These 4 Walls

Today is one of those days when all 4 walls around me feel like they are slowly closing in and any sound one of my children make just grate my already shredded nerves even more.  All 3 of them are sick, it is snowing outside, again, and I just wish I could get some uninterrupted sleep at night.  I want a VACATION!  


I strongly detest this time of year.  We are always sick and in the middle of February all I can think of is warmer weather and a chance to escape the inside of what feels like a teeny tiny house.  My temper is short and there aren't many second, let alone third chances without me blowing my top.  Ever since Owen was 6 months old I feel like we, at least one of us, are sick about every 6 weeks.  I don't even want to think of the amount of money we have spent on co-pays or deductibles or our 20% of the total bill over the past 5.5 years.  All I want is to skip this time of year and fast-forward about 8 weeks until we have passed the grayness of this season. That grayness drains every fiber of my entire being until they are all brittle and starving for renewal. 


I asked the pediatrician once, when Owen was in the hospital for ROTA virus, just 6 weeks after Reese had been in the hospital with RSV, why my kids were always getting sick and what I was doing wrong.  He told me that it wasn't me, our kids immune systems weren't compromised but that it was the transient nature of our society and the rudeness of other people who bring their kids or themselves out and about when they are sick.  It is true, how many of us want to stop our lives, to put them on hold, to wait until our kids or ourselves are better to do whatever it is we need to do?  Really, how important are those errands that you need to run when your kid is home from school with a fever?  Do we even realize that we are making the conscience choice to spread germs to those around us?  


I might be considered a bit of a germaphobe, I choose to stay home when my kids immune systems are recovering from illness or when the are not quite 100% because I don't want to share my germs with other people but also because I don't want other people's germs.  I don't want another strain of whatever virus or bacteria is going around.  I want the ability to be able to leave my house when I want, to do whatever it is I need to do.  I don't want to clean or sanitize my home one more time.  I want the windows open with the breeze renewing the air we breathe and moving the germs out.  


When these 4 walls are closing in I find myself retreating from my kids, looking at them as though they are some kind of 3 headed monster that won't leave me alone for any period of time. All I want to do is escape! I don't know if I think that is necessarily healthy but it is understandable.  I get through the day(s) knowing that my husband will be "home soon" to help me, to take over the childcare duties because I can't do it for one more second.  I get through the days by looking ahead and praying for quick recoveries.  I get through the days by dreaming of what might be ahead for us in this life we have.  I get through the days by reading until my eyes burn and need rest.  But what I really want to get through these days is to know-for sure that when we all wake up tomorrow we will all be well and no longer sick.