Random.....

I wasn't going to post today...I kept going back and forth, but I feel like I must.  Like I have something to purge. Something that needs to be let go.  I will probably be random and all over the place, like a pin ball whipping back and forth from one-side to another.  I apologize....okay maybe not.

I guess I will start with yesterday.  2 visits to the doctor's office, 3 kids, 3 ear infections, 3 antibiotics.  I have been going stir-crazy in my house since last Friday, since the virus descended on our house.  I didn't get to go to bible study yesterday-and of course we were covering the chapter that I felt God had Anne Graham Lotz write just for me-because Finn still had a fever, Reese was coughing and running a low grade fever and Owen sounded like junk with his cough.  I have no patience left, no sympathy/empathy for my sick children.  Reese keeps telling me that all I am is "mad at her".  Finn won't stop crying during the day for "my daddy, I want my daddy." And Owen, well he needs to feel better so that he can get back into the normal routine of life, he struggles without the structure.  I am short and cranky with my husband because I feel empty, like I have nothing left to give by the time he makes it home from work.  He sooooo gets the short end of the stick.  And throughout all of this I keep thinking that I should never be empty (thank you, wmns retreat) because God gives us all the power, strength and love that we need to make it through everything but right now my leaks are no longer fissures, but big gapping holes.  The bright spot yesterday was the fact that my "bff" got home, safely, from Ethiopia.

Today was a new day, thank you for that!  Unfortunately, everyone woke up still sick.  Okay, I knew that they wouldn't be well yet, but one can only wish, hope and pray.  I got to talk to M (the bff) this morning!  Thank goodness we are back to daily routine!  I have been dying to hear all the details of their trip and now that we have talked some, I feel guilty.  She is raw right now, from her experience there and the fact that a huge part of her is still there.  As I have prayed for her over these past 10 days I have asked God to use all that she experienced for His will, His living testament.  I don't think that I can even begin to comprehend the emotional toll that this has taken on her.  She saw people with leprosy, missing digits and feet, begging for money, food, anything they could live on.  She saw women, our parents age, carrying 140 pound bags of eucalyptus leaves down to the markets to sell for 2 dollars.  2 dollars, that is what they live on. She saw houses made of sheets of metal from her balcony outside her room.  One room homes with dirt floors.  She saw animals being kicked and abused.  She saw birth parents giving up the rights to their children that other people were adopting.  My list could go on and on.  Now that she is home she is stuck, looking back at where she just was and the juxtaposition of our country, our homes, our morals, our culture.  She told me that even once they bring their son home, a part of her heart will still be there, in Ethiopia. And I understand that.  God is using her for something big, something incredible, even if she hasn't quite figured it all out.  I can complain all I want about not owning my own home, not ever having enough money, being tired, having sick kids but none of that matters.  I have access to the most modern medical care.  I have a comfortable bed to lay my body in at night.  I have enough money to pay our bills, put a roof over our family's heads, to buy food and fill our bellies.  I have never known hunger the way most of the world does.  And I might not own my own home but I have the resources to rent one, a nice one.  We are so pathetic living here in our "clamshells" as Max Lucado says. We are comfortable inside ourselves.  We are comfortable with the status quo of our lives, not having to reach outside ourselves.  And this infuriates me because I am one of those "we" people I am talking about.  I think that my problems are sooooo important, that they trump the rest of the worlds, that world peace, world hunger, orphans, access to modern medicine, clean water aren't my problem, but someone else's.  Sure I sponsor a Compassion kid, but is that enough? Is that the best I can do?  What has God called me do? How can I do it? We are so blessed even if we can't see it because we are looking though the microscope at our own lives and not the telescope that shows us the rest of the world around us. (m-for you :))

I know that my problems are important, that they are unique to me and my family and I shouldn't minimize what we go through, but that doesn't mean that I should go through life in a "clamshell" not being conscious of the rest of the world's burdens, burdens that are God's.  Burdens that He calls us to share and help to solve-take care off.

Somebody asked my friend today how coming back to the States made her feel and I as I sat there and watched her try and answer the question in a polite way, she was struggling not to lay into the woman that asked it.    How did it make her feel?  How does it make anybody feel?  How about like we are the most selfish, self-absorbed, materialistic, ridiculous culture?  That we live in our "cozy little houses" and are always wishing for more. We don't know what "real living" is and I am not sure that I would ever want to go without but what I do want is what those Ethiopian people have and that is a true sense of being, of living in community with others and realizing that we are all in this life together, for better or worse.

Our stories are God's stories (I feel like I need to qualify what I mean by saying that God comes before us, He uses us and our lives to tell His of work, i.e. His stories), both the happy ones and the sad, heartbreaking ones.  They are the work that is being done in our lives on a daily basis and all of those days make us who we are. They are what the very core of our being is made of.  At that core, the very fibers of our being, is love, God's love for all of us, all mankind.  Love, the greatest gift that we can give, shown in millions of ways, serving our God and therefore serving those around us.  That is what we have been called to do, love.

I feel like I have been all over the place on this post and I do apologize.  I hope that I made some sense and pricked something inside of you to reach out and serve.