In the Middle

I am not really sure where to start my post today.  I feel like so much of my life right now is up in the air.  From our housing situation to the hubby's employment (he still has a job-that isn't the problem) to finances and where our life is going, where God is leading us.  At almost 30 years of age I feel like I am just now learning how to move forward and live life.  


We (the husband and I) have been spent a lot of the past month on our knees, praying for God's direction in our lives, asking Him to open up windows and close doors, so that we can have a purpose in the way we live our lives.  The spring bible study that I am doing is Anne Graham Lotz's new book, "The Magnificent Obsession" based on Abraham's life in the book of Genesis.  Great study, challenging questions that make me think and evaluate how I am living and how to live life better.  Anyway, yesterday I started reading chapter 4, entitled: Pursue Everything Patiently and came across a section that I swear God had Anne put in there just for me.  Here is the passage that I want to share with you (so bear with me):
 
  "...sometimes it can be very hard for us to wait on God to do things in His time and in His way.  It doesn't occur to us that He has intentionally delayed answering our prayer or fulfilling His promise because He has a higher, greater purpose in mind than just giving us what we want, when we want it, the way we want it.  Delay doesn't mean necessarily mean denial.  It's just that God often uses the delay to develop our faith in Him as we struggle to patiently pursue everything He has for us.
     God sometimes seems to be soooooo slow! and we can become so impatient that we run ahead of Him, thinking we can either help Him answer our prayer or force Him to act on our timetable.  If we don't learn to walk alongside Him at His pace, we end up making a mess."


I will admit that I hate waiting!  I am not patient and I want answers NOW! I want God to give me a map that says, "You will be here tomorrow and over here next year.  You will stay here and put roots in and grow in the fertile soil that I have given you in order to bear fruit."  I want it all spelled out so that I don't keep trying to rush ahead of what God has in-store for our family.  I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, that we should just be praying that God gives us the strength to make it through it but sometimes I just want one thing, one stinking thing to fall together seamlessly and be wrapped up with a fancy bow as a gift just for me.  When I look at other people's lives I think how easy they have it.  It looks to me like everything is effortless and perfect and I get trapped in our culture's smoke and mirror show of having everything=happiness.  I get trapped in the "poor pitiful me"  mind frame that just erodes my soul.  My soul does not need any eroding.  


I keep asking God to lean out of heaven and whisper the magic words of my plan-not necessarily His into my ear.  I want to make Him into the God of my wishes and desires not the God of who He really is, which is something that I can't even begin to fathom or understand.  He is a God who was, who is and who will always be-He transcends ALL, all while I get lost in the smallness of my world, when I should be getting lost in the unfathomable greatness of His world and His word and the promises that it gives me. 


I don't do well when so much of my life is up for the taking.  I thrive on and long for the stability, for the assurance that everything will turn out the way it should-the way I want it to because I think that I know how it should go, how it should be.  I don't like being stuck in the middle, where it seems like we will get stuck and stay in the state of questioning, with no direction.  How long will it take, how long will I wait? I am ready for the answers, even though I am scared and nervous, even if it doesn't meet my expectations or take me the route I have already planned for myself.