Breastfeeding

I breastfed all 3 of my babies.  Owen and I lasted 13 months.  Reese and I went for 21 months.  Finn and I stopped just shy of 6 months.  I believe that breastfeeding your child is one of the bests gifts that you can give them.  However, I believe that being able to be a fully functioning healthy mom is a significantly better gift than nursing ever will be.  If Tim and I choose to have another baby, I will not be nursing him or her. That will be devastating for a few days or a couple of weeks until my milk dries up.  For me this is honestly one of the reasons we have waited on having another baby, well that and the fact that Finn, had he been the first child instead of the third might have very well been our last.  (Read that as saying he is a very challenging baby/toddler.  It is a good thing he is cute.)

Stopping nursing Finn was one of the hardest and saddest times of my life.  But if I wouldn't have stopped I would have crumbled, my children-all of them would have suffered from my brokenness and my husband would have been left picking up the all of our fractured pieces.  I stopped nursing Finley because he was having a reaction to the Zoloft that I was taking for my depression and anxiety and because the medicine wasn't helping me at all and I wouldn't subject Finley to more chemicals racing through his tiny body.  For those of you who don't know, I have suffered from depression and anxiety since the end of high school.  I don't advertise this fact because its not really anyones business unless I tell you.  Of course there were times that I probably could have gone off my medication, those were the sweet spots, but I never did go off and I don't know if I ever will and that is okay. The doctors tell you that Zoloft is the safest medication to be on while nursing and during pregnancy but I would beg to differ with them.  Zoloft and other medications are  passed through breast milk and my poor son suffered for 6 months because of it.  He was never comfortable, always crying and arching his back.  He required being held all the time, swaddled to sleep while sleeping in our arms for 6 plus months and his stomach was constantly bothering him. Yes, I know he was born in that grey area of being full-term at 37 weeks and weighing 8lbs but he had so many preemie characteristics.  But the medicine that was suppose to be helping me wasn't and it was hurting him.  The day I put him on formula and stopped nursing was mind-blowing.  He became a different baby.  He didn't arch anymore and stopped crying as much.  He was much more comfortable in his own skin.  He still needed to be held a lot but not nearly as much as before that day.  To this day he still doesn't sleep through the night and loves to cuddle with us all night but some day that will be someone else's problem and not mine.  The formula saved us.  It let me change meds without worrying about Finn's nutritional needs.  Yes, it broke my heart and hurt like the dickens and I shed a lot of tears.  I wouldn't have made it through that time in my life without my mom's help for 3 weeks, without my best friend to talk me through my decision and off of the narrow edge I was standing on, without my husband who picked up the slack and the pieces of our fragile life.

Like I said earlier, I won't be nursing any subsequent children of ours.  I told my best friend that she is going to have to bind my boobs to keep me from trying because I don't want to get lost in the hazy and painful months of postpartum depression that is made worse by constantly fluctuating hormones.  I will be a formula mom, a bottle-feeding pro but that doesn't make me a bad mom.  It makes me a great, no-an awesome mom because I am putting my family first by taking care of me.

Whatever decision you make about feeding your baby is the right one for you and your family.  I have learned not to judge someone because they don't nurse and formula feed their children.  I will always believe nursing is best, but when it is not an option, when it hurts you more than helps you to be a good mom, its not worth it.