Me and a blog

So, I decided to start a blog.  I have had so many thoughts and ideas rolling around in my head for some time now and then I started wondering if them out there for others to read wouldn't be a bad idea, kind of like a virtual diary.  I will start off saying that I don't want this blog to be all about me and my motherhood angst.  (There will be some angst though, motherhood isn't without it.)  I want it to be a place to share my thoughts and the thoughts of others all about the art of balancing our lives as mothers-whatever that definition is to you.


I don't know if I have a real great definition of the word motherhood of my own to give you.  So I will give you the definition from dictionary.com


Motherhood


noun
1.  the state of being a mother; maternity.
2.  qualities or spirit of a mother.
3.  mothers collectively.


adjective
4. having or relating to an inherent worthiness, justness, or goodness that is obvious or unarguable.


The state of being a mother...yes, being a mother is definitely a state and quite possibly an insane one.  Now, qualities or spirit of a mother, what might those be? Let's jump down to the word as an adjective for that one: "an inherent worthiness", um, I think that they forgot to talk about this part during the parenting classes at the hospital. But seriously, deriving an inherent worthiness from being a mom is what has gotten me into trouble. With that being said maybe I should go back to college.......


I've always known I have wanted to have kids.  My husband (whom I started dating in high school) and I have always talked about having kids young.  We graduated h.s. and went to separate colleges, graduated, got married and started our family after being married for 1 year and 9 months later.  


I think that it could be said that I went to college because it was the thing you were supposed to do next, after high school.  Oh, I had ambition alright but as I look back now at the ripe old age of 29, I had no idea where to channel it.  I think that I just went through the motions in college because I was waiting to get to the next part of my life: marriage.  I majored in English, not writing (or spelling), but with an emphasis in reading.  I love books!  Actually I loved a lot of my literature classes, especially the ones on women's writing and autobiographies.  I have a passion for trying to understand the great divide of women especially how it relates to motherhood, but I never really took it seriously in college.  I went to my classes, participated in them because it drives me nuts when no one answers questions, but never really stood out.  I wasn't one of the "chosen" ones in the English department.  I wanted to be but quite frankly I am not the one who puts in the effort to be a "chosen" one, I had other things on my plate.  The funny thing is my advisor knew that.  She knew that college was just the next point on my life line.   She told me one day that she could see me having 5 kids and just being a mom.  Now, she didn't say "stay-at-home" mom but she did say "just being a mom".  That to me means motherhood as a career, deriving my self-worth, my self-esteem, my self-respect from my role as mother, caretaker and housekeeper.  At the time I wanted nothing more than to do that, to get to that point in my life where that happened.  How jaded I was to think that.  


I can honestly say now that I should have learned where to derive my self-worth from before I had kids.  To put the responsibility of your own self-worth onto somebody else is incredibly selfish and one that will never give you what you want it to (well except to point out your glaring faults).  That is an awful lot of responsibility to give your unborn child, your newborn, your infant, your toddler, your preschooler, your kindergartener.


A good, no, great friend of mine told me, I never learned who I was as a person, without already having definition of who I was, i.e. mother.  I think that she is right.  Now my struggle to define who I am, what I should be doing, where I am going will always have to start with the definition of the roles that I already have and I am okay with that. 


Okay enough self babble for today....