What is it about change that makes it so darn scary and hard? Someone once told me that she hated change and that is why she doesn't want to make changes in her life...I don't want that to be me. I don't want change or the thought of change to paralyze me into staying the same.
Oh I'll admit that change is super scary and nerve-wracking. It always brings up the "what if" or "what will happen" questions. It always makes us break out of our nice and tidy lives that we have wrapped up with fancy paper and bows. Fear should not control our lives, our decisions or our future and if it does boy would we miss out on some of the best parts of life.
So speaking of changes (NO, I am NOT pregnant) our family is looking at making a few big ones and it is scary. I think that it is the thoughts of the unknown that holds me back from making immediate changes, even if I know they are the right ones. But what if I am wrong, what if it was the worst decision ever and then I have failed-what then???
Owen will be in 1st grade next year! I can't believe it. I have no problem using cliches, so I will, boy does time fly when your kids are young. Obviously that means that he will be gone all day, 7:55am to 2:25pm. That makes me nervous! I won't be by him or guiding him through the day, someone else will be. It's funny because when your kids are little you can't wait to send them to school, you can't wait to have time to yourself, time when you are not the boss, referee or nurse. Not only will Owen be at school, Reese will be too. We are sending her back to pre-school next year. She will be there 4 days a week from 12:30pm to 3pm. Then add in all the after school activities (Awana, gymnastics, soccer) that we will participate in plus the homework that will have to be done. Yes, there is homework in 1st grade. Finn of course will still be home with me so that means I will be wrangling a very feisty 2 year old. Now lets add to that all the menial daily tasks of laundry, cleaning some part of the house, preparing meals, running errands, the list goes on and on. Where in all of this do I find time to go to my part-time job, which is in the evening? Am I supposed to ask my husband to come home from work early 2 or 3 nights a week to shuttle our kids to their activities? Now before I answer that I should preface it by saying 2 or even 3 years ago I would have said YES, he should come home early to do that. But now, I don't think so. His job for our family is to provide for us, not the cave-man beat my chest, I am man and you are woman way, but in the God is our provider way. (Don't read into that. I don't think that my husband is god.) As my husband and the father to our children his job is to provide us with the means to live-a home, food, clothes, etc. That is his contribution to our family. How is he supposed to do that and do it well, to the best of his ability when he is always having to leave early? I should say that my husband is a team player when it comes to our family, and he has left work countless times when there is something that he needs to be with us for, i.e. ER room visits, sickness, babysitting issues. We are his priority, how lucky I do I feel that we come first? What is my priority? I have started feeling torn between my full-time and part-time jobs. I am never fully present at either one.
As I said in my first post, motherhood is not what I thought it was going to be. What in life is exactly how we imagined it? What I am realizing is that what I thought I wanted and what I need are two totally different things. I thought/have thought that I needed to work some in order to be a good mom. Now I do feel that I need to have something of my own, designated solitude, in order to be a good mom, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I need to work when I am needed at home. I need to be home with my kids, they want me to be home with them. Our lives run more smoothly when I am home. The kids function better when I am at home with them. And quite frankly, I am finding that I function better when I am a full-time mom and my loyalties are not split. Now I am not saying that it will be perfect if I start to stay at home full-time because trust me I KNOW I will need time to myself in order to be a better person but I think that my family would reap the benefits.
What scares me about this? How about everything! Everything from the loss of income to the total responsibility. I don't want to stop contributing to the family. When I work and I get a pay check and that is a tangible contribution to the family, I don't always see my tangible contribution to the family through our kids. Half the time all I feel like I do is yell at them, but that is another discussion for another time. What is wrong with our culture that it is not okay to be a stay at home mom, that we are some how reverting to the 1950's by not living up to our full potential as women if we stay home to raise our kids? I think that our culture is effectively devaluing the role of mom and therefore we start to think that we are nothing if we aren't doing everything-being mom and financial contributor to our families. I envy the moms who can do it all-well and not feel torn. I don't want my children to be thought of as a handicap that keeps me from being a productive member of society. Just because I have 3 kids doesn't mean I can't do it all. It just means that I have to prioritize and evaluate the most important parts of my life, my family-my husband and children and our overall well being as a family.
So how do I transition?
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