Today....where to start?

I am not even sure where to start today.  I know that I have been absent in a huge way this month and I could say that I have just been too busy to blog but the fact of the matter is that I chose not to blog.  We have had a lot of stuff going on as a family.  Stuff that I haven't necessarily wanted to put out there for everyone to read, well at least not just yet.  I think I am superstitious that way.  You know like, if you talk about it, it won't happen or it was all just a dream and not real. (And no, I am not pregnant, for anyone's minds who have gone there.)  So I have abstained from my normal public writing about it, instead choosing to use our personal sounding boards to talk it and walk through it with. The last few months have been spent in lots of prayer and asking for prayer.  Looking for guidance and searching for landing lights, flashing neon lights to tell us where and what God wants our family doing.  Learning to wait for Him and not rush ahead of His plans for us and then turning around to convince Him to bless the plans we made instead of waiting for His.  I have a sneaking suspicion that all of you who read this know what it is like to wait, and wait and wait some more.  In fact I have come to the brilliant conclusion that we spend most of our life waiting, waiting for the next chapter, big adventure of our lives.  The big question is what we do or what will we do with all that time that we spend waiting, all that time that we spend in our "wilderness years".  I hate waiting.  Our culture defies the entire notion of waiting.  We don't have to wait for anything so the thought and actual action of waiting is mind-blowing.  I have repeatedly said over the past few months that I didn't want to be like Abraham and Sarah.  I didn't (and still don't) want to have to wait 25 years for the answer, for God to answer my prayers or maybe I should say to give me the answer I want.  The funny thing is when He did answer our prayers and it was the answer I wanted-the one I had dreamed about and hoped for, I was blown away.  And instead of offering up a prayer of deep gratitude and thankfulness, one of profound sincerity I questioned His motives, His plan for us, His directions.  I was overcome by worry and insecurity when instead I should have been on my knees thanking Him for being my God, my Creator, my Provider, my Counselor, my Father, my Constant, the King of Kings, for being interested in my insignificant life on a hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis.  My friend Kara offered up some needed perspective:

"Maybe if I can thank God for who He is it will help me keep perspective through hard times. There is not one time in my life that I can say God has let me down. NOT ONCE. There is not one time in my life that I can say He hasn't provided. It may not always be in the way I anticipated, but it’s not about me.  Let’s not be surprised when great things happen but fall on our face and praise.  I need to worship my King for who He is and not according to my situation. "  

 She is right.  We have a tendency to place God in the boxes of our daily lives, on our terms and conditions, and that severely limits who God is.  It essentially ties His hands behind his back and doesn't allow Him to be who and what He is, which is something that words can never contain or express, something that we can never fully comprehend.  I struggle daily not to put God in a box and tie it up with a big bow.  I struggle daily to keep my eyes up and see all He is doing and how He is working in my life.  Like Kara reminded me, it might not be the way I think it should be, but these are the things, the small insignificant, menial daily things that He uses to work on us and refine us into the people we were made to be.  With all this being said, I will let you all in on the big way He has moved in our life as soon as I can!   


Last night Tim (the hubby) and I got into a huge fight.  The funny thing is the fight was ridiculously stupid and about really dumb things.  The really dumb things that seem important and keep creeping up.  My husband is incredibly loyal and has such a strong sense of family, he puts us first.  We always come above his job and for that I am thankful.  I am incredibly blessed.  But sometimes I get so frustrated and angry that my job is to always put our family first, to set aside myself, to serve selflessly and never expect as much as a thank you in return.  I don't get a paycheck for my full-time job, though one would say that I get more blessings than can ever be equaled or rivaled in monetary reimbursement and I know that those that would tell me that are right, but it isn't want I want to hear. I want genuine gratitude and appreciation for what I have to do on a daily basis.  I want unsolicited thank yous.  I want to feel like I am doing it right, that what I am doing is making a difference and isn't for naught. I feel like I spend more of my time parenting, giving discipline and direction than I do on the sweet stuff, the stuff that everyone tells you to enjoy and cherish because it goes by so fast.  I am so sick of hearing that phase, "enjoy it know because it goes by so fast and you can never get it back."  Here is my sarcastic remark, "Did you enjoy it because hindsight is 20/20."  How can you enjoy never getting a full night's sleep, feeling like you yell more than you love and not even going to the bathroom by yourself?  How does one enjoy being frustrated 24/7?  


We just recently got back from a quick 4 days in Michigan, visiting family, which has both its positives and negatives, but picking up the proverbial pieces of 3 extremely overtired and extra needy children, a huge mountain of laundry, dirty house and one cranky mom is almost more than I can continually bear. Add to that, that the only quality time that I got to spend with my husband was the 9 hours we spent in the car, 4.5 hours there and 4.5 hours back and that leaves me feeling angry, resentful and worn-out.  I feel like am always playing 2nd or 3rd fiddle to someone or something.  The silver lining of being able to stay home and raise our children is non-existent right now.  It feels more like a chore than a gift. Connecting with Tim is reduced to something purely physical and not something verbal (this isn't the word i was looking for but it works), emotional and this ends up causing a huge rift because all my needs are not being met.  


I know that I don't thank him enough for providing for our family, for giving me the opportunity to full-fill my dream of being a mom, for putting us first.  Instead, I use my words to cause deep wounds and hurt, that leave scars.  Marriage is really, really hard.  It is hard to find the "perfect" balance.  How do you balance a relationship, children, jobs and everything else that vies for you and your energy?  Am I supposed to use a calendar to allot specific percentages of time for each thing?  I refuse to believe that I have to divide myself into little pieces in order to give it to each individual thing as if it was some sort of gift.  What am I supposed to do when I feel like nothing I do is good enough?  Sometimes I want to be put up on a pedestal and given the illusion that I can be "perfect".  That other people have to measure up to me.  That I can do no wrong and everything I do, do is right.  Wishful thinking, I know.  I also know that I really don't want to be put up on a pedestal, that, that is too much of a responsibility and too hard of a "life" and illusion to live up to.  I don't want to live an illusion.  I want to live a real life, even though it is sometimes so incredibly hard and trying to make it through a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year.  I don't want others to measure themselves against me or use me as a model...I am not a good one, trust me! What I wouldn't mind though is some acknowledgement, a feeling of sincere gratitude, one that isn't in exchange for something else I have.  I just want to be appreciated just as much as I appreciate my husband for his role in our family. I know I will never measure up to my own expectations of myself, but maybe if I measure up to someone else's just once, I will cut myself a break and will be able to pay it forward.  Maybe I won't doubt the sincerity of the thank you that is given and instead be able to say, "You are welcome." with a smile on my face and a quickening in my heart.