I'm angry today.
I am angry that a friend of mine is crying out for help and the one person who should be the biggest supporter in her life, the one who should put their family above anything else, is ignoring her pleas for help. I am angry that he thinks its about him and how it impacts him. It's not. I am angry that a friend feels its not okay to stop nursing her baby even though she is breaking inside. I am angry that another friend feels helpless to do anything to help out those she loves the most. I am angry that another friend feels so isolated. I am angry that people are mean and hurtful, that they don't think about the consequences of their words or their actions. I am angry that age 4 is harder than age 3. I am angry that next year is 1st grade and my son will be gone 7 hours out of the day, away from me. I am angry that Finn is sick yet again and his body isn't getting the rest it needs to heal itself. I am angry that I have another headache. There are so many things that make me angry and mad.
But in the midst of it I am thankful for a God who is merciful, omnipotent, loving and just, a God who gets jealous and angry for us, for a God who will hold and wrap me in his arms and say, "Let me carry you". I am thankful for the time I spent with my parents this weekend (even though it is never enough) and the words that Finn kept saying to them. I am thankful for Owen who can't stop hugging me, even though it drives me nuts. I am thankful for Reese and her larger than life personality that causes me to laugh so hard I cry. I am thankful for my husband who loves me even though I am broken and drive him nuts. I am thankful that if I needed it he would drive me to the looney bin himself. I am thankful that he is honest and wants to live a life that glorifies God and his creation. I am thankful for my best friend who always, always holds me up even when she is the one who needs holding up. I am thankful another friend who makes me laugh through the computer at her. I am thankful that this same friend is so strong and courageous even though she has been handed a crappy deck of cards. I am thankful for daffodils in the middle of winter and the promise of renewal that they bring. I am thankful for this impending snow that is coming because of the majestic beauty it brings. I am thankful that God answers prayers even though it isn't what you were expecting. I am thankful for playdates that are really coffee dates for us moms. I am thankful for the wisdom that my friends share with me. I am thankful for all the good and bad in my life because God is molding and refining me and making me into the person I was made to be.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
A letter to My Hormones
My Dearest Hormones,
Thank you for my night sweats! I currently enjoying waking up wet, soaked with sweat in the middle of the night, when I should be blissfully sleeping until Finn wakes up for the umpteenth time. I just wanted you to know how much I enjoy when you decide to overtake my body.
Forever Yours,
Shannon
Thank you for my night sweats! I currently enjoying waking up wet, soaked with sweat in the middle of the night, when I should be blissfully sleeping until Finn wakes up for the umpteenth time. I just wanted you to know how much I enjoy when you decide to overtake my body.
Forever Yours,
Shannon
Thursday, January 27, 2011
My Top Ten: The Catch-Up
I have been reading a book-big surprise to everyone-in which the main character talked about thinking of someone as a "product" that she had to market, not a person but a product, person=product and it made me think-isn't that what we do with our families, our husbands, our children, ourselves? (I am feeling rather sarcastic and sassy today.)
Okay to be honest, I started this post on Monday and I then subsequently just left it sitting up on my computer until I could come back and finish it and now it is Thursday. I have had countless interruptions, many butts and noses to wipe, meals to make, laundry to fold and an anxiety attack to avert. So in the spirit of scatterbrained randomness I am treating you all to a lovely sprinkling of the thoughts that have been vibrating and banging around in my head. (I will return to the marketing theme another time.)
Here goes the round-up!
1. I am reading lots of things right now, in fact I am actively reading 5 different books but at this very moment there is one that has captured my heart: bittersweet: thoughts on change, grace and learning the hard way, by Shauna Niequist. It is a collection of personal essays and it speaks into my very soul. Right now I am ruminating on the one called: things i don't do. It is about deciding what you want your life to be about. Shauna had lunch with a older friend of hers, Denise, here is what Denise told her: "...it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard (she said,) is figuring out what you are willing to give up in order to do the things that you really care about." Oh my gosh! We always worry about doing everything, everything that everybody else is doing...keeping up with the Jones's everything, never really stopping and evaluating what it is we really want our lives to be about and how to accomplish that. As I am traveling down this path right now I have to figure out where to build my alters (thank you Anne Graham Lotz), what I REALLY want my live to be about and what I am willing to give up because if I don't the everything(s) that I do do are going to take over and minimize what I am about and who God wants me to be. I don't want my tomb stone to say "she did everything and none of it mattered". I want my life and the things in it to matter! I am here to do something great, even if I don't know what it is yet, I know that there is more to life than doing everything. As Shauna says, "do everything better" is a "super-charged triple threat, capturing in three words the mania of modern life, the anti-spirit, anti-spiritual, soul shriveling garbage that infects and compromises our lives." I don't want my life to be one big compromise!
2. POOP! My life is all about poop! The past few days I have been woken up to Reese calling me from the bathroom, "MOM, I'm done. I went poop and pee." I don't want to wipe somebody's nasty poop butt first thing in the morning. It has been the first thing I do when I get out of bed at 7am (okay, 8am-I am mother of the year as I sleep for an extra hour while my 3 Stooges sit downstairs rotting their brains in front of PBS Kids). Really, really? GROSS! There was no disclaimer when I became a mom that said you will wipe butts clean of poop all the time! There really should have been. On a positive poop note, Finn is pooping on the potty and that is infinitely better then cleaning/wiping a poopy diaper butt! Plus, it is so cute when he says "All done, MOM!"
3. I am scared down to my very core and fiber of my being about the fact that we are truly and honestly considering me staying home full-time (as if my 10 hour a week part-time job makes me less of a full-time mom). It is anxiety-attack making. My blood runs hot and I can feel it rushing through my veins. I am scared of what God is asking me to give up: built-in freedom and my outside source of validation of being a productive member of society (and of course the small amount of money that I make). I know in my head and my heart that His promises are faithful and that His pin-pricks at my heart are what I need to be listening to and following, but, yes I said but, I am so scared. I am lost in the forest of being scared when I just need to BELIEVE in my heart that His path is where I need to be. Help me believe Lord, I am scared, I am afraid, please carry me.
4. Dinner....HELP!!!
5. I am loving, absolutely loving, listening to Audrey Assad's album The House You're Building. It is like a huge hug that squeezes my heart.
6. Mario Brothers for Wii! I love (okay really loathe) playing this 2-player with my husband! It is so funny to watch him get so mad at the game that he stands up to finish a level because he thinks is might actually help him to get to the end! Oh, I love to watch him get mad at something so ridiculously silly! The kids love to watch us play and Finn calls it "the brothers, play the brothers."
7. Dear Mr. Groundhog,
As groundhog's day is upon us I would respectfully like to ask that you not see your shadow. As much as I like winter and how beautiful it is when the world around me looks like a snow globe I am desperate to get into my gardens and feel the earth on my fingers. My children are longing to be outside and run around like crazy people through the sprinkler. I wish for a ring around the bathtub to clean. So, Mr. Groundhog I again beseech you, please don't see your shadow.
Yours kindly,
Shannon
8. My sister and her husband are moving here next week!!!!!! I am so excited! My heart leaps for joy and screams in utter excitement! You have no idea how excited I am Emily! We are so planting that garden together this summer!!!
9. I love the fact that my best friend is going to meet her son for the very first time in 18 days! I so wish that I could be there to see her and her husband cry and hug and kiss this incredibly special and sweet little boy of theirs. Oh Joshua, they can't get you home fast enough!
10. I have visitors for the next 3 weekends! My mom and dad this weekend, my brother next weekend and my mother and father-in-law the following weekend! The efficiency suite is ready, complete with a kitchen and grill for any of your culinary needs! Little Tikes really does think of everything. I am excited for my kids, who love to have sleepovers in each other's rooms with their grandparents and aunts and uncles! They live for these visits!
Okay, 10 things is enough and if you read them all, THANK YOU! Now I must go shower, start laundry and referee my children!
Okay to be honest, I started this post on Monday and I then subsequently just left it sitting up on my computer until I could come back and finish it and now it is Thursday. I have had countless interruptions, many butts and noses to wipe, meals to make, laundry to fold and an anxiety attack to avert. So in the spirit of scatterbrained randomness I am treating you all to a lovely sprinkling of the thoughts that have been vibrating and banging around in my head. (I will return to the marketing theme another time.)
Here goes the round-up!
1. I am reading lots of things right now, in fact I am actively reading 5 different books but at this very moment there is one that has captured my heart: bittersweet: thoughts on change, grace and learning the hard way, by Shauna Niequist. It is a collection of personal essays and it speaks into my very soul. Right now I am ruminating on the one called: things i don't do. It is about deciding what you want your life to be about. Shauna had lunch with a older friend of hers, Denise, here is what Denise told her: "...it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard (she said,) is figuring out what you are willing to give up in order to do the things that you really care about." Oh my gosh! We always worry about doing everything, everything that everybody else is doing...keeping up with the Jones's everything, never really stopping and evaluating what it is we really want our lives to be about and how to accomplish that. As I am traveling down this path right now I have to figure out where to build my alters (thank you Anne Graham Lotz), what I REALLY want my live to be about and what I am willing to give up because if I don't the everything(s) that I do do are going to take over and minimize what I am about and who God wants me to be. I don't want my tomb stone to say "she did everything and none of it mattered". I want my life and the things in it to matter! I am here to do something great, even if I don't know what it is yet, I know that there is more to life than doing everything. As Shauna says, "do everything better" is a "super-charged triple threat, capturing in three words the mania of modern life, the anti-spirit, anti-spiritual, soul shriveling garbage that infects and compromises our lives." I don't want my life to be one big compromise!
2. POOP! My life is all about poop! The past few days I have been woken up to Reese calling me from the bathroom, "MOM, I'm done. I went poop and pee." I don't want to wipe somebody's nasty poop butt first thing in the morning. It has been the first thing I do when I get out of bed at 7am (okay, 8am-I am mother of the year as I sleep for an extra hour while my 3 Stooges sit downstairs rotting their brains in front of PBS Kids). Really, really? GROSS! There was no disclaimer when I became a mom that said you will wipe butts clean of poop all the time! There really should have been. On a positive poop note, Finn is pooping on the potty and that is infinitely better then cleaning/wiping a poopy diaper butt! Plus, it is so cute when he says "All done, MOM!"
3. I am scared down to my very core and fiber of my being about the fact that we are truly and honestly considering me staying home full-time (as if my 10 hour a week part-time job makes me less of a full-time mom). It is anxiety-attack making. My blood runs hot and I can feel it rushing through my veins. I am scared of what God is asking me to give up: built-in freedom and my outside source of validation of being a productive member of society (and of course the small amount of money that I make). I know in my head and my heart that His promises are faithful and that His pin-pricks at my heart are what I need to be listening to and following, but, yes I said but, I am so scared. I am lost in the forest of being scared when I just need to BELIEVE in my heart that His path is where I need to be. Help me believe Lord, I am scared, I am afraid, please carry me.
4. Dinner....HELP!!!
5. I am loving, absolutely loving, listening to Audrey Assad's album The House You're Building. It is like a huge hug that squeezes my heart.
6. Mario Brothers for Wii! I love (okay really loathe) playing this 2-player with my husband! It is so funny to watch him get so mad at the game that he stands up to finish a level because he thinks is might actually help him to get to the end! Oh, I love to watch him get mad at something so ridiculously silly! The kids love to watch us play and Finn calls it "the brothers, play the brothers."
7. Dear Mr. Groundhog,
As groundhog's day is upon us I would respectfully like to ask that you not see your shadow. As much as I like winter and how beautiful it is when the world around me looks like a snow globe I am desperate to get into my gardens and feel the earth on my fingers. My children are longing to be outside and run around like crazy people through the sprinkler. I wish for a ring around the bathtub to clean. So, Mr. Groundhog I again beseech you, please don't see your shadow.
Yours kindly,
Shannon
8. My sister and her husband are moving here next week!!!!!! I am so excited! My heart leaps for joy and screams in utter excitement! You have no idea how excited I am Emily! We are so planting that garden together this summer!!!
9. I love the fact that my best friend is going to meet her son for the very first time in 18 days! I so wish that I could be there to see her and her husband cry and hug and kiss this incredibly special and sweet little boy of theirs. Oh Joshua, they can't get you home fast enough!
10. I have visitors for the next 3 weekends! My mom and dad this weekend, my brother next weekend and my mother and father-in-law the following weekend! The efficiency suite is ready, complete with a kitchen and grill for any of your culinary needs! Little Tikes really does think of everything. I am excited for my kids, who love to have sleepovers in each other's rooms with their grandparents and aunts and uncles! They live for these visits!
Okay, 10 things is enough and if you read them all, THANK YOU! Now I must go shower, start laundry and referee my children!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Chocolate Binge
I have a confession to make: I ate 6 small squares of delicious milk chocolate last night. I ate 3 pieces in bed! Most of you would say that 6 pieces don't qualify as a binge but as much as I love it, I have been staying away from chocolate. I love chocolate but chocolate doesn't love me. My complexion reacts in a not so pleasant way. It seeks its revenge on me by blessing me with the outbreak of those usually in puberty. I don't get the "cute" little whiteheads, if you can call them cute, but I get the big, angry, volcano like pimples. I swear that my skin has never been as "bad" as it is now. I had lovely, dewy, glowing skin when I was younger (though maybe I am romanticizing it) but now post-kids, in my late 20's I feel like a teenager with acne. What is the secret to fabulous looking, smooth, pimple-free skin?
I can tell you what hasn't worked.
1. Pro-Active doesn't work. Oh it works if you want to bleach your sheets or completely dry your face out so that you have red, flaking patches, but it doesn't clear my skin up. I don't look like any of their spokeswomen.
2. Acne-Free doesn't work. It's the "knockoff" version of Pro-Active. If you would like the same results as above feel free to purchase it.
3. Random concoctions of different face washes and masks. Maybe if I use this one in the morning and this one at night or visa-versa it will fix it. Maybe I should be a chemist.
I have no idea what will give me great skin! I probably should just go to the dermatologist, though sometimes I don't think that they even know what will clear your skin and then you end up with even more chemicals on your face and your sheets. "Call the dermatologist" has been on my to-do list since the middle of summer, maybe I should actually follow through and do it.
Back to the chocolate though...boy how I love it! Just thinking about it makes my mouth salivate in anticipation. I am not a chocoholic, just a chocolate lover. Even the word chocolate is fun to use. "My hair is usually a chocolate brown." or "Don't you just love that rich chocolate colored sweater, I have to have one." Mmmmm. Maybe I should just make a chocolate mask for my face.
P.S. Just in case you see me this week please don't say anything about the newly emerging pimples. I can already feel them growing.
I can tell you what hasn't worked.
1. Pro-Active doesn't work. Oh it works if you want to bleach your sheets or completely dry your face out so that you have red, flaking patches, but it doesn't clear my skin up. I don't look like any of their spokeswomen.
2. Acne-Free doesn't work. It's the "knockoff" version of Pro-Active. If you would like the same results as above feel free to purchase it.
3. Random concoctions of different face washes and masks. Maybe if I use this one in the morning and this one at night or visa-versa it will fix it. Maybe I should be a chemist.
I have no idea what will give me great skin! I probably should just go to the dermatologist, though sometimes I don't think that they even know what will clear your skin and then you end up with even more chemicals on your face and your sheets. "Call the dermatologist" has been on my to-do list since the middle of summer, maybe I should actually follow through and do it.
Back to the chocolate though...boy how I love it! Just thinking about it makes my mouth salivate in anticipation. I am not a chocoholic, just a chocolate lover. Even the word chocolate is fun to use. "My hair is usually a chocolate brown." or "Don't you just love that rich chocolate colored sweater, I have to have one." Mmmmm. Maybe I should just make a chocolate mask for my face.
P.S. Just in case you see me this week please don't say anything about the newly emerging pimples. I can already feel them growing.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Transition Lenses
What is it about change that makes it so darn scary and hard? Someone once told me that she hated change and that is why she doesn't want to make changes in her life...I don't want that to be me. I don't want change or the thought of change to paralyze me into staying the same.
Oh I'll admit that change is super scary and nerve-wracking. It always brings up the "what if" or "what will happen" questions. It always makes us break out of our nice and tidy lives that we have wrapped up with fancy paper and bows. Fear should not control our lives, our decisions or our future and if it does boy would we miss out on some of the best parts of life.
So speaking of changes (NO, I am NOT pregnant) our family is looking at making a few big ones and it is scary. I think that it is the thoughts of the unknown that holds me back from making immediate changes, even if I know they are the right ones. But what if I am wrong, what if it was the worst decision ever and then I have failed-what then???
Owen will be in 1st grade next year! I can't believe it. I have no problem using cliches, so I will, boy does time fly when your kids are young. Obviously that means that he will be gone all day, 7:55am to 2:25pm. That makes me nervous! I won't be by him or guiding him through the day, someone else will be. It's funny because when your kids are little you can't wait to send them to school, you can't wait to have time to yourself, time when you are not the boss, referee or nurse. Not only will Owen be at school, Reese will be too. We are sending her back to pre-school next year. She will be there 4 days a week from 12:30pm to 3pm. Then add in all the after school activities (Awana, gymnastics, soccer) that we will participate in plus the homework that will have to be done. Yes, there is homework in 1st grade. Finn of course will still be home with me so that means I will be wrangling a very feisty 2 year old. Now lets add to that all the menial daily tasks of laundry, cleaning some part of the house, preparing meals, running errands, the list goes on and on. Where in all of this do I find time to go to my part-time job, which is in the evening? Am I supposed to ask my husband to come home from work early 2 or 3 nights a week to shuttle our kids to their activities? Now before I answer that I should preface it by saying 2 or even 3 years ago I would have said YES, he should come home early to do that. But now, I don't think so. His job for our family is to provide for us, not the cave-man beat my chest, I am man and you are woman way, but in the God is our provider way. (Don't read into that. I don't think that my husband is god.) As my husband and the father to our children his job is to provide us with the means to live-a home, food, clothes, etc. That is his contribution to our family. How is he supposed to do that and do it well, to the best of his ability when he is always having to leave early? I should say that my husband is a team player when it comes to our family, and he has left work countless times when there is something that he needs to be with us for, i.e. ER room visits, sickness, babysitting issues. We are his priority, how lucky I do I feel that we come first? What is my priority? I have started feeling torn between my full-time and part-time jobs. I am never fully present at either one.
As I said in my first post, motherhood is not what I thought it was going to be. What in life is exactly how we imagined it? What I am realizing is that what I thought I wanted and what I need are two totally different things. I thought/have thought that I needed to work some in order to be a good mom. Now I do feel that I need to have something of my own, designated solitude, in order to be a good mom, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I need to work when I am needed at home. I need to be home with my kids, they want me to be home with them. Our lives run more smoothly when I am home. The kids function better when I am at home with them. And quite frankly, I am finding that I function better when I am a full-time mom and my loyalties are not split. Now I am not saying that it will be perfect if I start to stay at home full-time because trust me I KNOW I will need time to myself in order to be a better person but I think that my family would reap the benefits.
What scares me about this? How about everything! Everything from the loss of income to the total responsibility. I don't want to stop contributing to the family. When I work and I get a pay check and that is a tangible contribution to the family, I don't always see my tangible contribution to the family through our kids. Half the time all I feel like I do is yell at them, but that is another discussion for another time. What is wrong with our culture that it is not okay to be a stay at home mom, that we are some how reverting to the 1950's by not living up to our full potential as women if we stay home to raise our kids? I think that our culture is effectively devaluing the role of mom and therefore we start to think that we are nothing if we aren't doing everything-being mom and financial contributor to our families. I envy the moms who can do it all-well and not feel torn. I don't want my children to be thought of as a handicap that keeps me from being a productive member of society. Just because I have 3 kids doesn't mean I can't do it all. It just means that I have to prioritize and evaluate the most important parts of my life, my family-my husband and children and our overall well being as a family.
So how do I transition?
Oh I'll admit that change is super scary and nerve-wracking. It always brings up the "what if" or "what will happen" questions. It always makes us break out of our nice and tidy lives that we have wrapped up with fancy paper and bows. Fear should not control our lives, our decisions or our future and if it does boy would we miss out on some of the best parts of life.
So speaking of changes (NO, I am NOT pregnant) our family is looking at making a few big ones and it is scary. I think that it is the thoughts of the unknown that holds me back from making immediate changes, even if I know they are the right ones. But what if I am wrong, what if it was the worst decision ever and then I have failed-what then???
Owen will be in 1st grade next year! I can't believe it. I have no problem using cliches, so I will, boy does time fly when your kids are young. Obviously that means that he will be gone all day, 7:55am to 2:25pm. That makes me nervous! I won't be by him or guiding him through the day, someone else will be. It's funny because when your kids are little you can't wait to send them to school, you can't wait to have time to yourself, time when you are not the boss, referee or nurse. Not only will Owen be at school, Reese will be too. We are sending her back to pre-school next year. She will be there 4 days a week from 12:30pm to 3pm. Then add in all the after school activities (Awana, gymnastics, soccer) that we will participate in plus the homework that will have to be done. Yes, there is homework in 1st grade. Finn of course will still be home with me so that means I will be wrangling a very feisty 2 year old. Now lets add to that all the menial daily tasks of laundry, cleaning some part of the house, preparing meals, running errands, the list goes on and on. Where in all of this do I find time to go to my part-time job, which is in the evening? Am I supposed to ask my husband to come home from work early 2 or 3 nights a week to shuttle our kids to their activities? Now before I answer that I should preface it by saying 2 or even 3 years ago I would have said YES, he should come home early to do that. But now, I don't think so. His job for our family is to provide for us, not the cave-man beat my chest, I am man and you are woman way, but in the God is our provider way. (Don't read into that. I don't think that my husband is god.) As my husband and the father to our children his job is to provide us with the means to live-a home, food, clothes, etc. That is his contribution to our family. How is he supposed to do that and do it well, to the best of his ability when he is always having to leave early? I should say that my husband is a team player when it comes to our family, and he has left work countless times when there is something that he needs to be with us for, i.e. ER room visits, sickness, babysitting issues. We are his priority, how lucky I do I feel that we come first? What is my priority? I have started feeling torn between my full-time and part-time jobs. I am never fully present at either one.
As I said in my first post, motherhood is not what I thought it was going to be. What in life is exactly how we imagined it? What I am realizing is that what I thought I wanted and what I need are two totally different things. I thought/have thought that I needed to work some in order to be a good mom. Now I do feel that I need to have something of my own, designated solitude, in order to be a good mom, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I need to work when I am needed at home. I need to be home with my kids, they want me to be home with them. Our lives run more smoothly when I am home. The kids function better when I am at home with them. And quite frankly, I am finding that I function better when I am a full-time mom and my loyalties are not split. Now I am not saying that it will be perfect if I start to stay at home full-time because trust me I KNOW I will need time to myself in order to be a better person but I think that my family would reap the benefits.
What scares me about this? How about everything! Everything from the loss of income to the total responsibility. I don't want to stop contributing to the family. When I work and I get a pay check and that is a tangible contribution to the family, I don't always see my tangible contribution to the family through our kids. Half the time all I feel like I do is yell at them, but that is another discussion for another time. What is wrong with our culture that it is not okay to be a stay at home mom, that we are some how reverting to the 1950's by not living up to our full potential as women if we stay home to raise our kids? I think that our culture is effectively devaluing the role of mom and therefore we start to think that we are nothing if we aren't doing everything-being mom and financial contributor to our families. I envy the moms who can do it all-well and not feel torn. I don't want my children to be thought of as a handicap that keeps me from being a productive member of society. Just because I have 3 kids doesn't mean I can't do it all. It just means that I have to prioritize and evaluate the most important parts of my life, my family-my husband and children and our overall well being as a family.
So how do I transition?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Pity Party Morning
Today is one of those days that I just want to go back to bed and curl up and not see the light of day until tomorrow morning. In honor of those feelings I am having a pity party this morning, well until I get in the shower (where I am hardly interrupted and by myself) and surrender all of my anxieties over to God.
It is funny to me, that we think that the way our lives should go should follow our own plans/maps. Oh I can't tell you how many times I have cried over the fact that my life isn't what I think it should be. Oh I know life it not fair. I know that my life is so incredibly easy compared to 99% of the world, but that doesn't stop me from wanting and wishing it to be different. As I see these words actually typed out I realize how ridiculously selfish that is. I WANT things to go according to MY PLAN! The Lord whispers to my soul that MY PLAN isn't what He has in-store for me and my life. MY PLAN doesn't even begin to resemble what He has planned for my life. It is so hard to accept that my timing isn't His timing and His timing is the only one that counts! The culture that we live in leads us to believe that we can have anything that we want instantaneously, right now. We get so used to satisfying our every whim and heart's desire but I ask myself, is it really satisfying our soul's deepest desires? The easy answer would be of course it is satisfying those deepest desires, otherwise why would I be doing it. But the real answer is that satisfying our every whim usually leaves us with a fleeting and short lived satisfaction. This satisfaction doesn't usually reach down to warm the deepest and emptiest places in our souls or hearts.
I WANT so much stuff! Here is a short list I have complied for you in 30 seconds:
1. My OWN house!
2. 100% job satisfaction for both my full-time and part-time jobs.
3. For my husband to be appreciated for all that he does at his job and for that appreciation to be transferred into a fat compensation program...because as we all know money buys happiness.
4. A household expense account that can withstand me satisfying my every whim and shopping trip.
5. A child that sleeps through the night, every night.
6. Laundry that washes, dries, folds and puts itself away.
7. A maid and personal chef, so that I don't have to deal with the menial daily tasks.
8. Perfectly behaved children.
9. Knowing what my purpose in life is and how to achieve it.
10. World peace, because what list would be complete without it.
11. A deep and personal relationship with my Lord and Savior, one in which He calls me, His friend.
WOW! I look like a completely self-absorbed and selfish person. The only thing on this list that I can have a direct effect on is number 11. Quite frankly does the rest of it even matter in the scheme of life?
(I will be back to post again later today but now I must go get in the shower.)
It is funny to me, that we think that the way our lives should go should follow our own plans/maps. Oh I can't tell you how many times I have cried over the fact that my life isn't what I think it should be. Oh I know life it not fair. I know that my life is so incredibly easy compared to 99% of the world, but that doesn't stop me from wanting and wishing it to be different. As I see these words actually typed out I realize how ridiculously selfish that is. I WANT things to go according to MY PLAN! The Lord whispers to my soul that MY PLAN isn't what He has in-store for me and my life. MY PLAN doesn't even begin to resemble what He has planned for my life. It is so hard to accept that my timing isn't His timing and His timing is the only one that counts! The culture that we live in leads us to believe that we can have anything that we want instantaneously, right now. We get so used to satisfying our every whim and heart's desire but I ask myself, is it really satisfying our soul's deepest desires? The easy answer would be of course it is satisfying those deepest desires, otherwise why would I be doing it. But the real answer is that satisfying our every whim usually leaves us with a fleeting and short lived satisfaction. This satisfaction doesn't usually reach down to warm the deepest and emptiest places in our souls or hearts.
I WANT so much stuff! Here is a short list I have complied for you in 30 seconds:
1. My OWN house!
2. 100% job satisfaction for both my full-time and part-time jobs.
3. For my husband to be appreciated for all that he does at his job and for that appreciation to be transferred into a fat compensation program...because as we all know money buys happiness.
4. A household expense account that can withstand me satisfying my every whim and shopping trip.
5. A child that sleeps through the night, every night.
6. Laundry that washes, dries, folds and puts itself away.
7. A maid and personal chef, so that I don't have to deal with the menial daily tasks.
8. Perfectly behaved children.
9. Knowing what my purpose in life is and how to achieve it.
10. World peace, because what list would be complete without it.
11. A deep and personal relationship with my Lord and Savior, one in which He calls me, His friend.
WOW! I look like a completely self-absorbed and selfish person. The only thing on this list that I can have a direct effect on is number 11. Quite frankly does the rest of it even matter in the scheme of life?
(I will be back to post again later today but now I must go get in the shower.)
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
B**bs or lack there of......
So this morning I was getting dressed, like I do every morning, however I actually care about what I wear on Mondays and Wednesday, okay I really care about what I look like everyday but more so on these two days because I work in the evenings at my "part-time" job, I put on the shirt I had picked out and discovered the problem...it was one of "those" shirts. "Those" shirts are the ones that I wore before I lost my 2 friends, the ones I affectionately call my boobs. The shirt is a lovely shade of deep purple, has a deep v-neck with small ruffles and three little buttons. Underneath this shirt I have my cami, which serves the purpose of smoothing down my extra skin and covering my lower back if I decide to treat everyone by bending over, and my bra, the only one that I own that actually fits. Okay, maybe that is a little bit of an exaggeration, it is getting a little bit loose again, not it the band size mind you but the part that actually matters: the cup. Case in point, I was washing my face before bed on night (within the last month) and my dear husband says to me, "maybe we should have gotten you a new bra for Christmas instead of your boots." Don't all gasp in horror, he wasn't trying to be mean but I don't think that he understood the seriousness of his statement. I chuckled a little bit when he said this, you know that uncomfortable I can't believe you said that even though it is true chuckle and replied, "I know, but that wouldn't have been a good gift, plus it was traumatic enough having to get a (size) x-small bathing suit top to take to Mexico." (side note: for those of you who don't know we went to Mexico with my husband's mom's whole side of the family for Christmas and this require the purchase of a new bathing suit.) The man has seen my chest through its best and worst times. The best times being the "porn" star boobs I got while nursing each child and the worst times being once they shrunk back to their pre-nursing size. That pre-nursing size wasn't what he was bargaining for and certainly wasn't what I was looking forward to once I was done nursing. They don't tell you before you have kids and nurse them that your boobs are going to be returned to you flaccid (i.e. not the perky cute things from before), with saggy nipples and covered with stretch marks. (Sorry to those of you who deem this too much information...its called life and I have no filter in place today.)
Okay so back to the shirt, I would say that it is loose in all the right places, the places that matter, you know from the right under the boobs down, which it is but it is also loose from the chest up too and not in one of those supposed to be loose and baggy, "cute" ways. In fact everytime I move, whether I am sitting or standing I am constantly checking to see if my shirt has fallen away from my boobs revealing my bra, which my cami isn't doing a very good job of covering since it keeps moving too. I am definitely changing my shirt before I head off to work this afternoon, where I get to work with some delightful high schoolers who still have their perky boobs. My friend M, who has, as some one once said "Helga and her sister Olga", will probably be receiving a package on her front porch sometime this week with some new shirts so that she can give them the life they deserve.
This is a topic that I will definitely be revisiting in the future! Maybe by then I will have my friends back...oh wait nothing short of a miracle or a breast augmentation will fix that!
Okay so back to the shirt, I would say that it is loose in all the right places, the places that matter, you know from the right under the boobs down, which it is but it is also loose from the chest up too and not in one of those supposed to be loose and baggy, "cute" ways. In fact everytime I move, whether I am sitting or standing I am constantly checking to see if my shirt has fallen away from my boobs revealing my bra, which my cami isn't doing a very good job of covering since it keeps moving too. I am definitely changing my shirt before I head off to work this afternoon, where I get to work with some delightful high schoolers who still have their perky boobs. My friend M, who has, as some one once said "Helga and her sister Olga", will probably be receiving a package on her front porch sometime this week with some new shirts so that she can give them the life they deserve.
This is a topic that I will definitely be revisiting in the future! Maybe by then I will have my friends back...oh wait nothing short of a miracle or a breast augmentation will fix that!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Me and a blog
So, I decided to start a blog. I have had so many thoughts and ideas rolling around in my head for some time now and then I started wondering if them out there for others to read wouldn't be a bad idea, kind of like a virtual diary. I will start off saying that I don't want this blog to be all about me and my motherhood angst. (There will be some angst though, motherhood isn't without it.) I want it to be a place to share my thoughts and the thoughts of others all about the art of balancing our lives as mothers-whatever that definition is to you.
I don't know if I have a real great definition of the word motherhood of my own to give you. So I will give you the definition from dictionary.com
Motherhood
noun
1. the state of being a mother; maternity.
2. qualities or spirit of a mother.
3. mothers collectively.
adjective
4. having or relating to an inherent worthiness, justness, or goodness that is obvious or unarguable.
The state of being a mother...yes, being a mother is definitely a state and quite possibly an insane one. Now, qualities or spirit of a mother, what might those be? Let's jump down to the word as an adjective for that one: "an inherent worthiness", um, I think that they forgot to talk about this part during the parenting classes at the hospital. But seriously, deriving an inherent worthiness from being a mom is what has gotten me into trouble. With that being said maybe I should go back to college.......
I've always known I have wanted to have kids. My husband (whom I started dating in high school) and I have always talked about having kids young. We graduated h.s. and went to separate colleges, graduated, got married and started our family after being married for 1 year and 9 months later.
I think that it could be said that I went to college because it was the thing you were supposed to do next, after high school. Oh, I had ambition alright but as I look back now at the ripe old age of 29, I had no idea where to channel it. I think that I just went through the motions in college because I was waiting to get to the next part of my life: marriage. I majored in English, not writing (or spelling), but with an emphasis in reading. I love books! Actually I loved a lot of my literature classes, especially the ones on women's writing and autobiographies. I have a passion for trying to understand the great divide of women especially how it relates to motherhood, but I never really took it seriously in college. I went to my classes, participated in them because it drives me nuts when no one answers questions, but never really stood out. I wasn't one of the "chosen" ones in the English department. I wanted to be but quite frankly I am not the one who puts in the effort to be a "chosen" one, I had other things on my plate. The funny thing is my advisor knew that. She knew that college was just the next point on my life line. She told me one day that she could see me having 5 kids and just being a mom. Now, she didn't say "stay-at-home" mom but she did say "just being a mom". That to me means motherhood as a career, deriving my self-worth, my self-esteem, my self-respect from my role as mother, caretaker and housekeeper. At the time I wanted nothing more than to do that, to get to that point in my life where that happened. How jaded I was to think that.
I can honestly say now that I should have learned where to derive my self-worth from before I had kids. To put the responsibility of your own self-worth onto somebody else is incredibly selfish and one that will never give you what you want it to (well except to point out your glaring faults). That is an awful lot of responsibility to give your unborn child, your newborn, your infant, your toddler, your preschooler, your kindergartener.
Agood, no, great friend of mine told me, I never learned who I was as a person, without already having definition of who I was, i.e. mother. I think that she is right. Now my struggle to define who I am, what I should be doing, where I am going will always have to start with the definition of the roles that I already have and I am okay with that.
Okay enough self babble for today....
I don't know if I have a real great definition of the word motherhood of my own to give you. So I will give you the definition from dictionary.com
Motherhood
noun
1. the state of being a mother; maternity.
2. qualities or spirit of a mother.
3. mothers collectively.
adjective
4. having or relating to an inherent worthiness, justness, or goodness that is obvious or unarguable.
The state of being a mother...yes, being a mother is definitely a state and quite possibly an insane one. Now, qualities or spirit of a mother, what might those be? Let's jump down to the word as an adjective for that one: "an inherent worthiness", um, I think that they forgot to talk about this part during the parenting classes at the hospital. But seriously, deriving an inherent worthiness from being a mom is what has gotten me into trouble. With that being said maybe I should go back to college.......
I've always known I have wanted to have kids. My husband (whom I started dating in high school) and I have always talked about having kids young. We graduated h.s. and went to separate colleges, graduated, got married and started our family after being married for 1 year and 9 months later.
I think that it could be said that I went to college because it was the thing you were supposed to do next, after high school. Oh, I had ambition alright but as I look back now at the ripe old age of 29, I had no idea where to channel it. I think that I just went through the motions in college because I was waiting to get to the next part of my life: marriage. I majored in English, not writing (or spelling), but with an emphasis in reading. I love books! Actually I loved a lot of my literature classes, especially the ones on women's writing and autobiographies. I have a passion for trying to understand the great divide of women especially how it relates to motherhood, but I never really took it seriously in college. I went to my classes, participated in them because it drives me nuts when no one answers questions, but never really stood out. I wasn't one of the "chosen" ones in the English department. I wanted to be but quite frankly I am not the one who puts in the effort to be a "chosen" one, I had other things on my plate. The funny thing is my advisor knew that. She knew that college was just the next point on my life line. She told me one day that she could see me having 5 kids and just being a mom. Now, she didn't say "stay-at-home" mom but she did say "just being a mom". That to me means motherhood as a career, deriving my self-worth, my self-esteem, my self-respect from my role as mother, caretaker and housekeeper. At the time I wanted nothing more than to do that, to get to that point in my life where that happened. How jaded I was to think that.
I can honestly say now that I should have learned where to derive my self-worth from before I had kids. To put the responsibility of your own self-worth onto somebody else is incredibly selfish and one that will never give you what you want it to (well except to point out your glaring faults). That is an awful lot of responsibility to give your unborn child, your newborn, your infant, your toddler, your preschooler, your kindergartener.
A
Okay enough self babble for today....
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)