Isolation is a word I know all too well. I am an isolation pro. Hiding in my house, behind closed doors, behind my anxiety and depression, behind the "schedule" that I keep our kids on, behind kids being sick, behind my voice-mail, behind having to give explanations. I just box myself in and let my 4 walls be my fortress. The irony is that those 4 walls choke my spirit and drown me out, encouraging my anxiety and allowing my depression to rule. I ignore my friends, my small group, all those who try to reach out to me. I say "no" to play dates and parties, phone calls and emails. I don't have an answer when my husband asks me what is wrong, other than "I don't know". I wrap myself up in a wet blanket in-order to try and keep the "crawling out of my own skin" feeling from taking over. I see my therapist more often and use that as an excuse for an "outing". I surf facebook, instagram, blogs and the internet as my connection to the world outside, over and over again. I wear a "doesn't play nice with others" sign around my neck and the word "Bitch" tattooed on my forehead. It is a good way to keep people away. It is just easier not to have to participate in what feel like 8th grade type relationships, pretending that everything is perfect....my life is you know, PERFECT. My house, my kids, my yard, my marriage, my bank account, my body, they are all PERFECT. I am PERFECT! Ha!
A friend called me out recently. She told me that hiding, isolation is like death for the soul. It is the devil's way of taking us away from God's plan, community, people who care about us deeply and who love us no matter what. She said that we can't just hide behind excuses, even if they are legitimate. I totally get that. I tell my friends that we are meant to live in community with others, not isolating ourselves. I don't have to take my own advise though. I can talk the talk-telling others what to do but have a hard time walking the walk, taking my own advise. I don't like to take the risk and that is a problem. Oh I'll take the risk of making a new recipe or buying a new type of lettuce but when it comes to real risks, having conversations, stepping out of my box, I am a chicken. Previous rejections burned so deeply into my bones that, how can I believe that things are different now? So instead of trying, taking a little step forward, trying something new, I let myself die just a little bit and stay bitter, not knowing how to put down my baggage and move forward. So what happens to all the baggage that we carry around from place to place with us? How do we put it down and leave it for good? Why does it seem like it takes the worst black-hole situations to make us let go? Is this what God means by pruning-that horrible pain that makes you feel as though there is nothing you can do (except to lean on Him)? Because if it is I might need a few beers, no, kegs, to get through it.
In all seriousness though, how do you get through pruning season after pruning season?
Monday, June 3, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
2 years later.....beginning again.
It is hard to believe that two years have gone by since my last post. Well, I guess not too hard. I let life get in the way. Making excuses not to jump on the computer and type, make posts and keep it going. To be honest, I felt like I had run out of gas, run out of things to say. I got intimidated by looking and reading others blogs and life stories, telling myself that my life, my experiences, my "stuff" wasn't important. Quite frankly my mom said it best the other day, "everyone has a blog", and you know what she's right. It seems like everyone does have a blog. It is almost like today's version of a diary or journal, instead of it being private it is just out there in the abyss of the internet and if someone stumbles on it well great, otherwise who cares. I decided that I am done telling myself that I don't matter and my experiences don't count. If people read this great and if they don't who cares. This is for me and if it helps just one person along the way, if it provides someone with the knowledge that they aren't the only one, if it makes one person laugh then I have succeeded.
So here is a quick overview of the last 2 years. Moved into our own place. My parents moved over to Illinois. Gained an awesome god-son. Tim's company closed it's doors and he changed jobs. We rolled the dice on a 4th child (there will be NO MORE children bore from this womb) and were blessed, after a horrible pregnancy, that was laden with severe ante-natal depression and anxiety, with the final addition to our family, Norah Elizabeth. Lost my Grandpa Bert to cancer and Tim's Grandpa George to a tragic accident. Struggled through the dark-side of friendship to come out on the other-side with it intact. Took our first trip to Disney. Watched the 3 amigos grow into some pretty funny and resilient little people. There is so much and as cliched as it is to say, it was all and has been for reasons that are seen and unseen to us. It has been beautifully bittersweet.
Life is messy, down and dirty messy, mud on the face, hands and whole body messy and sometimes the messier it becomes the more precious it is. To say that I have learned a lot or more than I wanted to is an understatement. I have been broken into more pieces than I knew made me up. Putting them back together is taking a lot longer than the breaking did. Every day is a new adventure, a trial, that keeps me going back (not only to my meds, but) to my hope, grace and salvation, our everlasting God.
So here is a quick overview of the last 2 years. Moved into our own place. My parents moved over to Illinois. Gained an awesome god-son. Tim's company closed it's doors and he changed jobs. We rolled the dice on a 4th child (there will be NO MORE children bore from this womb) and were blessed, after a horrible pregnancy, that was laden with severe ante-natal depression and anxiety, with the final addition to our family, Norah Elizabeth. Lost my Grandpa Bert to cancer and Tim's Grandpa George to a tragic accident. Struggled through the dark-side of friendship to come out on the other-side with it intact. Took our first trip to Disney. Watched the 3 amigos grow into some pretty funny and resilient little people. There is so much and as cliched as it is to say, it was all and has been for reasons that are seen and unseen to us. It has been beautifully bittersweet.
Life is messy, down and dirty messy, mud on the face, hands and whole body messy and sometimes the messier it becomes the more precious it is. To say that I have learned a lot or more than I wanted to is an understatement. I have been broken into more pieces than I knew made me up. Putting them back together is taking a lot longer than the breaking did. Every day is a new adventure, a trial, that keeps me going back (not only to my meds, but) to my hope, grace and salvation, our everlasting God.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Gratitude
My heart has been bursting with thankfulness and gratitude lately. I have been so richly blessed, especially in this season of my life.
We closed on our very first house last Monday! God made it all possible, truly. The whole situation is threaded with His divinity, His plan for us. We have been facing some big questions this year: where do our life, where to plant our roots-deeply, what jobs we are supposed to be doing, how we are to be serving and glorifying Him? You name the question and I swear we have asked it. We asked for light to be shined on our path, for flashing neon lights to show us His plans, well He put a spotlight on this house. There would have been no other time, no other place than this one right, right now, for all these details to fall into place and have this house become our home. 4-walls to call our own. We are planting our roots deep down and can't wait to see the fruit that blossoms!
Our best friends finally brought there son home from Ethiopia, almost two weeks ago. Their family is finally complete! After traveling this long, hard road with them for what seems like a 100 years, the waiting is over and their son is home where he belongs. We have been praying for this little boy since before he was born, asking God to set apart their son, to prepare his heart for his family and boy-oh-boy did He answer all prayers. This little boy is amazing and precious and has the most wonderful giggles! He is faithful and miraculous!
My sister and her husband moved over here to Illinois in February. What a blessing, even though they live in the city! :) Emily has been riding the train out every Wednesday, while Joe is at grad school, to hang out with the kiddos while I go to work. I don't like to call it babysitting because it is more than that. All 4 of them are getting to know each other in an awesome way and Emily is still the only one in the room when she is here, forget about me! Not that, that is a bad thing but I want to talk with her too! We are all fighting for her attention! Em and Joe came out this past Sunday to help us paint, if you need anyone to do detail work, those two are the ones to do it! Emily and I are learning new things about each other and are navigating a new stage in our relationship, one that started out by blood and is now moving to friendship. As Em told me, "there is something about knowing someone from birth," and there is, it is a building block for us as sisters and now friends. I am enjoying getting to know her as who she is, instead of what she is.
I am learning that I can't do it all by myself. I try to, boy do I try. I feel like we have been on our own for so long here, 8 years, since we have been in Illinois, that I am used to only relying on me, not letting other people help. It is hard for me to let go, to let others help, without feeling like a burden. My friend Kara, who has 2 kids of her own and another on the way, took our kids after church Sunday so that we (I should say Tim, since I was at work for the afternoon) could paint and work uninterrupted at the house. When she brought them home, she also brought us a meal. I can't tell you how thankful I was or how much that meal meant. I love serving and helping others. But when somebody just takes charge and says I am taking your kids and then brings you meal when they drop them off...WOW. It was something so simple but left me feeling so loved and important. Obviously I have a few self-worth issues, feeling like a good friend, a good person, someone that others can count on but this one act of grace, left me feeling like I must be some what of good person for someone to want to do that for me. I am learning to let people in, to make new friendships, to take chances on others and I am finding out that I have something to offer others.
My husband has been a rock star lately. Working and then coming home and going to work at the new house, staying late to try and get lots done. I know that he is exhausted but he just keeps plugging along. The other night he asked me how I was doing with all of the house stuff because he knew it has been a dream of mine for a long time, to be able to paint my kids rooms, to have a home that is ours and only ours. I know that a home is where your family is and that it doesn't matter if you own it or rent it or borrow it, that the feeling of home isn't dependent on 4 walls, like the fact that a church isn't a building but a people, home isn't a building, it is a family but I gotta tell you that there is something so wonderful of being able to call 4 walls a home instead of a house. Thank you honey, for working so hard to help make one of my dreams come true. Thank you for letting God be your God and for following Him and His path for us. Thank you for being my home, my soft place to land. Thank you for always putting our family ahead of your job, your dreams. Thank you for being my partner and for always taking care of me.
There is so much to be thankful for in our lives and right now, in this place, in this moment, I can't say thank you enough. I am lifting up my heart, my gratitude, my thankfulness to my Lord and Savior. Thank you for your blessings, no matter what form they come in, thank you for loving us so much that you sent your Son to die for us.
We closed on our very first house last Monday! God made it all possible, truly. The whole situation is threaded with His divinity, His plan for us. We have been facing some big questions this year: where do our life, where to plant our roots-deeply, what jobs we are supposed to be doing, how we are to be serving and glorifying Him? You name the question and I swear we have asked it. We asked for light to be shined on our path, for flashing neon lights to show us His plans, well He put a spotlight on this house. There would have been no other time, no other place than this one right, right now, for all these details to fall into place and have this house become our home. 4-walls to call our own. We are planting our roots deep down and can't wait to see the fruit that blossoms!
Our best friends finally brought there son home from Ethiopia, almost two weeks ago. Their family is finally complete! After traveling this long, hard road with them for what seems like a 100 years, the waiting is over and their son is home where he belongs. We have been praying for this little boy since before he was born, asking God to set apart their son, to prepare his heart for his family and boy-oh-boy did He answer all prayers. This little boy is amazing and precious and has the most wonderful giggles! He is faithful and miraculous!
My sister and her husband moved over here to Illinois in February. What a blessing, even though they live in the city! :) Emily has been riding the train out every Wednesday, while Joe is at grad school, to hang out with the kiddos while I go to work. I don't like to call it babysitting because it is more than that. All 4 of them are getting to know each other in an awesome way and Emily is still the only one in the room when she is here, forget about me! Not that, that is a bad thing but I want to talk with her too! We are all fighting for her attention! Em and Joe came out this past Sunday to help us paint, if you need anyone to do detail work, those two are the ones to do it! Emily and I are learning new things about each other and are navigating a new stage in our relationship, one that started out by blood and is now moving to friendship. As Em told me, "there is something about knowing someone from birth," and there is, it is a building block for us as sisters and now friends. I am enjoying getting to know her as who she is, instead of what she is.
I am learning that I can't do it all by myself. I try to, boy do I try. I feel like we have been on our own for so long here, 8 years, since we have been in Illinois, that I am used to only relying on me, not letting other people help. It is hard for me to let go, to let others help, without feeling like a burden. My friend Kara, who has 2 kids of her own and another on the way, took our kids after church Sunday so that we (I should say Tim, since I was at work for the afternoon) could paint and work uninterrupted at the house. When she brought them home, she also brought us a meal. I can't tell you how thankful I was or how much that meal meant. I love serving and helping others. But when somebody just takes charge and says I am taking your kids and then brings you meal when they drop them off...WOW. It was something so simple but left me feeling so loved and important. Obviously I have a few self-worth issues, feeling like a good friend, a good person, someone that others can count on but this one act of grace, left me feeling like I must be some what of good person for someone to want to do that for me. I am learning to let people in, to make new friendships, to take chances on others and I am finding out that I have something to offer others.
My husband has been a rock star lately. Working and then coming home and going to work at the new house, staying late to try and get lots done. I know that he is exhausted but he just keeps plugging along. The other night he asked me how I was doing with all of the house stuff because he knew it has been a dream of mine for a long time, to be able to paint my kids rooms, to have a home that is ours and only ours. I know that a home is where your family is and that it doesn't matter if you own it or rent it or borrow it, that the feeling of home isn't dependent on 4 walls, like the fact that a church isn't a building but a people, home isn't a building, it is a family but I gotta tell you that there is something so wonderful of being able to call 4 walls a home instead of a house. Thank you honey, for working so hard to help make one of my dreams come true. Thank you for letting God be your God and for following Him and His path for us. Thank you for being my home, my soft place to land. Thank you for always putting our family ahead of your job, your dreams. Thank you for being my partner and for always taking care of me.
There is so much to be thankful for in our lives and right now, in this place, in this moment, I can't say thank you enough. I am lifting up my heart, my gratitude, my thankfulness to my Lord and Savior. Thank you for your blessings, no matter what form they come in, thank you for loving us so much that you sent your Son to die for us.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Rain rain go away...come again another day...
The last few weeks have past in multiple whirlwinds. Each week seems to pack more into it then the week before. I am left feeling like an empty shell. My insides are empty and my outsides are starting to crack. The funny thing is, I keep looking forward to the weekends, which seem busier than I ever remember them, and when Sunday night rolls around I am back wishing for the next weekend, anticipating a slowdown, which never materializes. I am weary and bone-tired but somehow I can't seem to sleep or find the rest I need.
Spring is supposed to bring renewal, refreshment but this year I don't feel the "rebirth". Oh, I can see it in the rain, the boy's birthdays, the daffodils and the fatty robins that have taken up worm hunting in the backyard, but I am lost. The rain continues, day after day. The birthday's brought us the snotty 6 year old and the 2 year old who is putting the terrible into that old saying "the terrible two's". The daffodils are weighed down by the rain, bent over so that their beauty is hard to see and the robins well, their chirping isn't so awesome around 5:30am. I feel like I am moving through each day with the energy of a snail, wishing for someone else, my fairy godmother, to do all of my chores and errands. To make an incredible dinner, something that makes me want to savor every bite. To do all my laundry, wash, dry, fold and put it away. To dust, vacuum and clean the toilets.
I've felt lost for a long time. Trying to figure out my purpose, my gifts, God's dreams for my life. If feel like a compass missing the arrows, the part that is actually important and vital to making it do it's job, showing me the way. And as I feel lost, I am afraid of actually knowing what my purpose is, what my gifts are and what God's dreams for my life are. I haven't asked God what his will, his dreams, for my life are. Maybe I should do that, but I am scared, afraid of the answer. Obviously one glaring purpose would be mom, mother, but I still fight against it. I am good at fighting against it. I am phenomenal at picking a fight with it, at lashing out at it. Motherhood is the bane of my existence. No one told me how hard, how trying, how frustrating it would be. How on most days I will just want to throw in the towel. Some months I embrace it, loving it and pouring my heart and soul into be a "great" mom but most of the time I don't. Pretty stupid for someone who has 3 kids. The funny thing is when I am lost in this motherhood journey, when I strongly dislike being a mom, I want to have more kids. How rational is that? Like if I have more it will somehow get easier or the next child will reveal to me the wonders of motherhood and I will somehow have a greater understanding and it will make me over into the best mom I can be. I will tell you what more kids will get me...a long vacation in the loony bin!
I am restless and empty, not a good combination (my new haircut is proof of that). So, I will plaster on a smile and ask you how you are doing because it is easier. Because I am good at avoidance. Because I am afraid of the answers. Yup, plainly said, I am a chicken and it is easier to look at the glass as half empty and not half full.
Spring is supposed to bring renewal, refreshment but this year I don't feel the "rebirth". Oh, I can see it in the rain, the boy's birthdays, the daffodils and the fatty robins that have taken up worm hunting in the backyard, but I am lost. The rain continues, day after day. The birthday's brought us the snotty 6 year old and the 2 year old who is putting the terrible into that old saying "the terrible two's". The daffodils are weighed down by the rain, bent over so that their beauty is hard to see and the robins well, their chirping isn't so awesome around 5:30am. I feel like I am moving through each day with the energy of a snail, wishing for someone else, my fairy godmother, to do all of my chores and errands. To make an incredible dinner, something that makes me want to savor every bite. To do all my laundry, wash, dry, fold and put it away. To dust, vacuum and clean the toilets.
I've felt lost for a long time. Trying to figure out my purpose, my gifts, God's dreams for my life. If feel like a compass missing the arrows, the part that is actually important and vital to making it do it's job, showing me the way. And as I feel lost, I am afraid of actually knowing what my purpose is, what my gifts are and what God's dreams for my life are. I haven't asked God what his will, his dreams, for my life are. Maybe I should do that, but I am scared, afraid of the answer. Obviously one glaring purpose would be mom, mother, but I still fight against it. I am good at fighting against it. I am phenomenal at picking a fight with it, at lashing out at it. Motherhood is the bane of my existence. No one told me how hard, how trying, how frustrating it would be. How on most days I will just want to throw in the towel. Some months I embrace it, loving it and pouring my heart and soul into be a "great" mom but most of the time I don't. Pretty stupid for someone who has 3 kids. The funny thing is when I am lost in this motherhood journey, when I strongly dislike being a mom, I want to have more kids. How rational is that? Like if I have more it will somehow get easier or the next child will reveal to me the wonders of motherhood and I will somehow have a greater understanding and it will make me over into the best mom I can be. I will tell you what more kids will get me...a long vacation in the loony bin!
I am restless and empty, not a good combination (my new haircut is proof of that). So, I will plaster on a smile and ask you how you are doing because it is easier. Because I am good at avoidance. Because I am afraid of the answers. Yup, plainly said, I am a chicken and it is easier to look at the glass as half empty and not half full.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
What was I thinking?????
So spring always brings about an itchiness in me to do something daring, different, out of the box. I don't always do something crazy but this year I decided I would just go for it! And now I have what must be those "one-night" stand what was I thinking after thoughts. I have been drooling and dying to try Halle Berry's pixie/uber-short haircut and yesterday I went for it. That's right...I cut of all of my hair! Now I am super nervous to go anywhere that people will know me...i.e. church this morning. I mean when I picked my kids up from Oxford yesterday after their classes I saw my bestest and she about pooped her pants when she saw me. I know that short hair isn't her thing, she has the most beautiful long red hair but I shocked her more than I thought I would. My husband likes it. He learned a long time ago that I will do whatever I want with my hair whether or not he grants his approval. After all it is just hair and it will grow. I know though that my husband would like me anyway my hair is cut and that even includes if I would decide to shave it off. Thank goodness for that!
Now I will be going into my 30th birthday with short hair and I am not sure how I am feeling about that. I went into my 18th birthday and college with short hair. Big changes in my life apparently call for big changes to my hair. I try to be secure about who I am and the way I look, but really deep down I am not secure, in fact I am more insecure than I would ever let on. Now that I have lost the locks I have nothing to hide behind. The people who have known me the longest here in Illinois have never seen me with short hair and I am so nervous to show them. But if they don't like it well Reese keeps telling me over and over again how much she loves my haircut and loves me. Thank the Lord for her!
In parting, when you see me even if you don't like it please pretend you do!
Now I will be going into my 30th birthday with short hair and I am not sure how I am feeling about that. I went into my 18th birthday and college with short hair. Big changes in my life apparently call for big changes to my hair. I try to be secure about who I am and the way I look, but really deep down I am not secure, in fact I am more insecure than I would ever let on. Now that I have lost the locks I have nothing to hide behind. The people who have known me the longest here in Illinois have never seen me with short hair and I am so nervous to show them. But if they don't like it well Reese keeps telling me over and over again how much she loves my haircut and loves me. Thank the Lord for her!
In parting, when you see me even if you don't like it please pretend you do!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Dear Dad
Dear Dad,
I have a problem...I don't like one of the genes that you passed on to me. I know that it is too late to ask for a refund or for you to switch this particular gene out and exchange it with Mom's, but if you would like to donate to my "No grey hair" fund I would take that instead. It was very scary (and disheartening) to look in the mirror last night and notice that there are more grey hairs on my head now then there were when I refreshed the color in February! There are now some grey "patches" that include some really wiry, wild pieces. This is not the kind of gene that I wanted, nor signed up for from you. I am not quite 30 yet and while I do have 3 children I wasn't wanting to start going grey until, well, at least 80! I guess I can only hope that they (those pesky grey hairs) look as distinguished on me as they do on you.
Don't worry I won't hold this against you, I love you anyway!
Love your most favorite oldest daughter,
Shannon
I have a problem...I don't like one of the genes that you passed on to me. I know that it is too late to ask for a refund or for you to switch this particular gene out and exchange it with Mom's, but if you would like to donate to my "No grey hair" fund I would take that instead. It was very scary (and disheartening) to look in the mirror last night and notice that there are more grey hairs on my head now then there were when I refreshed the color in February! There are now some grey "patches" that include some really wiry, wild pieces. This is not the kind of gene that I wanted, nor signed up for from you. I am not quite 30 yet and while I do have 3 children I wasn't wanting to start going grey until, well, at least 80! I guess I can only hope that they (those pesky grey hairs) look as distinguished on me as they do on you.
Don't worry I won't hold this against you, I love you anyway!
Love your most favorite oldest daughter,
Shannon
Friday, March 25, 2011
Today....where to start?
I am not even sure where to start today. I know that I have been absent in a huge way this month and I could say that I have just been too busy to blog but the fact of the matter is that I chose not to blog. We have had a lot of stuff going on as a family. Stuff that I haven't necessarily wanted to put out there for everyone to read, well at least not just yet. I think I am superstitious that way. You know like, if you talk about it, it won't happen or it was all just a dream and not real. (And no, I am not pregnant, for anyone's minds who have gone there.) So I have abstained from my normal public writing about it, instead choosing to use our personal sounding boards to talk it and walk through it with. The last few months have been spent in lots of prayer and asking for prayer. Looking for guidance and searching for landing lights, flashing neon lights to tell us where and what God wants our family doing. Learning to wait for Him and not rush ahead of His plans for us and then turning around to convince Him to bless the plans we made instead of waiting for His. I have a sneaking suspicion that all of you who read this know what it is like to wait, and wait and wait some more. In fact I have come to the brilliant conclusion that we spend most of our life waiting, waiting for the next chapter, big adventure of our lives. The big question is what we do or what will we do with all that time that we spend waiting, all that time that we spend in our "wilderness years". I hate waiting. Our culture defies the entire notion of waiting. We don't have to wait for anything so the thought and actual action of waiting is mind-blowing. I have repeatedly said over the past few months that I didn't want to be like Abraham and Sarah. I didn't (and still don't) want to have to wait 25 years for the answer, for God to answer my prayers or maybe I should say to give me the answer I want. The funny thing is when He did answer our prayers and it was the answer I wanted-the one I had dreamed about and hoped for, I was blown away. And instead of offering up a prayer of deep gratitude and thankfulness, one of profound sincerity I questioned His motives, His plan for us, His directions. I was overcome by worry and insecurity when instead I should have been on my knees thanking Him for being my God, my Creator, my Provider, my Counselor, my Father, my Constant, the King of Kings, for being interested in my insignificant life on a hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis. My friend Kara offered up some needed perspective:
Last night Tim (the hubby) and I got into a huge fight. The funny thing is the fight was ridiculously stupid and about really dumb things. The really dumb things that seem important and keep creeping up. My husband is incredibly loyal and has such a strong sense of family, he puts us first. We always come above his job and for that I am thankful. I am incredibly blessed. But sometimes I get so frustrated and angry that my job is to always put our family first, to set aside myself, to serve selflessly and never expect as much as a thank you in return. I don't get a paycheck for my full-time job, though one would say that I get more blessings than can ever be equaled or rivaled in monetary reimbursement and I know that those that would tell me that are right, but it isn't want I want to hear. I want genuine gratitude and appreciation for what I have to do on a daily basis. I want unsolicited thank yous. I want to feel like I am doing it right, that what I am doing is making a difference and isn't for naught. I feel like I spend more of my time parenting, giving discipline and direction than I do on the sweet stuff, the stuff that everyone tells you to enjoy and cherish because it goes by so fast. I am so sick of hearing that phase, "enjoy it know because it goes by so fast and you can never get it back." Here is my sarcastic remark, "Did you enjoy it because hindsight is 20/20." How can you enjoy never getting a full night's sleep, feeling like you yell more than you love and not even going to the bathroom by yourself? How does one enjoy being frustrated 24/7?
We just recently got back from a quick 4 days in Michigan, visiting family, which has both its positives and negatives, but picking up the proverbial pieces of 3 extremely overtired and extra needy children, a huge mountain of laundry, dirty house and one cranky mom is almost more than I can continually bear. Add to that, that the only quality time that I got to spend with my husband was the 9 hours we spent in the car, 4.5 hours there and 4.5 hours back and that leaves me feeling angry, resentful and worn-out. I feel like am always playing 2nd or 3rd fiddle to someone or something. The silver lining of being able to stay home and raise our children is non-existent right now. It feels more like a chore than a gift. Connecting with Tim is reduced to something purely physical and not something verbal (this isn't the word i was looking for but it works), emotional and this ends up causing a huge rift because all my needs are not being met.
I know that I don't thank him enough for providing for our family, for giving me the opportunity to full-fill my dream of being a mom, for putting us first. Instead, I use my words to cause deep wounds and hurt, that leave scars. Marriage is really, really hard. It is hard to find the "perfect" balance. How do you balance a relationship, children, jobs and everything else that vies for you and your energy? Am I supposed to use a calendar to allot specific percentages of time for each thing? I refuse to believe that I have to divide myself into little pieces in order to give it to each individual thing as if it was some sort of gift. What am I supposed to do when I feel like nothing I do is good enough? Sometimes I want to be put up on a pedestal and given the illusion that I can be "perfect". That other people have to measure up to me. That I can do no wrong and everything I do, do is right. Wishful thinking, I know. I also know that I really don't want to be put up on a pedestal, that, that is too much of a responsibility and too hard of a "life" and illusion to live up to. I don't want to live an illusion. I want to live a real life, even though it is sometimes so incredibly hard and trying to make it through a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year. I don't want others to measure themselves against me or use me as a model...I am not a good one, trust me! What I wouldn't mind though is some acknowledgement, a feeling of sincere gratitude, one that isn't in exchange for something else I have. I just want to be appreciated just as much as I appreciate my husband for his role in our family. I know I will never measure up to my own expectations of myself, but maybe if I measure up to someone else's just once, I will cut myself a break and will be able to pay it forward. Maybe I won't doubt the sincerity of the thank you that is given and instead be able to say, "You are welcome." with a smile on my face and a quickening in my heart.
"Maybe if I can thank God for who He is it will help me keep perspective through hard times. There is not one time in my life that I can say God has let me down. NOT ONCE. There is not one time in my life that I can say He hasn't provided. It may not always be in the way I anticipated, but it’s not about me. Let’s not be surprised when great things happen but fall on our face and praise. I need to worship my King for who He is and not according to my situation. "She is right. We have a tendency to place God in the boxes of our daily lives, on our terms and conditions, and that severely limits who God is. It essentially ties His hands behind his back and doesn't allow Him to be who and what He is, which is something that words can never contain or express, something that we can never fully comprehend. I struggle daily not to put God in a box and tie it up with a big bow. I struggle daily to keep my eyes up and see all He is doing and how He is working in my life. Like Kara reminded me, it might not be the way I think it should be, but these are the things, the small insignificant, menial daily things that He uses to work on us and refine us into the people we were made to be. With all this being said, I will let you all in on the big way He has moved in our life as soon as I can!
Last night Tim (the hubby) and I got into a huge fight. The funny thing is the fight was ridiculously stupid and about really dumb things. The really dumb things that seem important and keep creeping up. My husband is incredibly loyal and has such a strong sense of family, he puts us first. We always come above his job and for that I am thankful. I am incredibly blessed. But sometimes I get so frustrated and angry that my job is to always put our family first, to set aside myself, to serve selflessly and never expect as much as a thank you in return. I don't get a paycheck for my full-time job, though one would say that I get more blessings than can ever be equaled or rivaled in monetary reimbursement and I know that those that would tell me that are right, but it isn't want I want to hear. I want genuine gratitude and appreciation for what I have to do on a daily basis. I want unsolicited thank yous. I want to feel like I am doing it right, that what I am doing is making a difference and isn't for naught. I feel like I spend more of my time parenting, giving discipline and direction than I do on the sweet stuff, the stuff that everyone tells you to enjoy and cherish because it goes by so fast. I am so sick of hearing that phase, "enjoy it know because it goes by so fast and you can never get it back." Here is my sarcastic remark, "Did you enjoy it because hindsight is 20/20." How can you enjoy never getting a full night's sleep, feeling like you yell more than you love and not even going to the bathroom by yourself? How does one enjoy being frustrated 24/7?
We just recently got back from a quick 4 days in Michigan, visiting family, which has both its positives and negatives, but picking up the proverbial pieces of 3 extremely overtired and extra needy children, a huge mountain of laundry, dirty house and one cranky mom is almost more than I can continually bear. Add to that, that the only quality time that I got to spend with my husband was the 9 hours we spent in the car, 4.5 hours there and 4.5 hours back and that leaves me feeling angry, resentful and worn-out. I feel like am always playing 2nd or 3rd fiddle to someone or something. The silver lining of being able to stay home and raise our children is non-existent right now. It feels more like a chore than a gift. Connecting with Tim is reduced to something purely physical and not something verbal (this isn't the word i was looking for but it works), emotional and this ends up causing a huge rift because all my needs are not being met.
I know that I don't thank him enough for providing for our family, for giving me the opportunity to full-fill my dream of being a mom, for putting us first. Instead, I use my words to cause deep wounds and hurt, that leave scars. Marriage is really, really hard. It is hard to find the "perfect" balance. How do you balance a relationship, children, jobs and everything else that vies for you and your energy? Am I supposed to use a calendar to allot specific percentages of time for each thing? I refuse to believe that I have to divide myself into little pieces in order to give it to each individual thing as if it was some sort of gift. What am I supposed to do when I feel like nothing I do is good enough? Sometimes I want to be put up on a pedestal and given the illusion that I can be "perfect". That other people have to measure up to me. That I can do no wrong and everything I do, do is right. Wishful thinking, I know. I also know that I really don't want to be put up on a pedestal, that, that is too much of a responsibility and too hard of a "life" and illusion to live up to. I don't want to live an illusion. I want to live a real life, even though it is sometimes so incredibly hard and trying to make it through a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year. I don't want others to measure themselves against me or use me as a model...I am not a good one, trust me! What I wouldn't mind though is some acknowledgement, a feeling of sincere gratitude, one that isn't in exchange for something else I have. I just want to be appreciated just as much as I appreciate my husband for his role in our family. I know I will never measure up to my own expectations of myself, but maybe if I measure up to someone else's just once, I will cut myself a break and will be able to pay it forward. Maybe I won't doubt the sincerity of the thank you that is given and instead be able to say, "You are welcome." with a smile on my face and a quickening in my heart.
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