The last few weeks have past in multiple whirlwinds. Each week seems to pack more into it then the week before. I am left feeling like an empty shell. My insides are empty and my outsides are starting to crack. The funny thing is, I keep looking forward to the weekends, which seem busier than I ever remember them, and when Sunday night rolls around I am back wishing for the next weekend, anticipating a slowdown, which never materializes. I am weary and bone-tired but somehow I can't seem to sleep or find the rest I need.
Spring is supposed to bring renewal, refreshment but this year I don't feel the "rebirth". Oh, I can see it in the rain, the boy's birthdays, the daffodils and the fatty robins that have taken up worm hunting in the backyard, but I am lost. The rain continues, day after day. The birthday's brought us the snotty 6 year old and the 2 year old who is putting the terrible into that old saying "the terrible two's". The daffodils are weighed down by the rain, bent over so that their beauty is hard to see and the robins well, their chirping isn't so awesome around 5:30am. I feel like I am moving through each day with the energy of a snail, wishing for someone else, my fairy godmother, to do all of my chores and errands. To make an incredible dinner, something that makes me want to savor every bite. To do all my laundry, wash, dry, fold and put it away. To dust, vacuum and clean the toilets.
I've felt lost for a long time. Trying to figure out my purpose, my gifts, God's dreams for my life. If feel like a compass missing the arrows, the part that is actually important and vital to making it do it's job, showing me the way. And as I feel lost, I am afraid of actually knowing what my purpose is, what my gifts are and what God's dreams for my life are. I haven't asked God what his will, his dreams, for my life are. Maybe I should do that, but I am scared, afraid of the answer. Obviously one glaring purpose would be mom, mother, but I still fight against it. I am good at fighting against it. I am phenomenal at picking a fight with it, at lashing out at it. Motherhood is the bane of my existence. No one told me how hard, how trying, how frustrating it would be. How on most days I will just want to throw in the towel. Some months I embrace it, loving it and pouring my heart and soul into be a "great" mom but most of the time I don't. Pretty stupid for someone who has 3 kids. The funny thing is when I am lost in this motherhood journey, when I strongly dislike being a mom, I want to have more kids. How rational is that? Like if I have more it will somehow get easier or the next child will reveal to me the wonders of motherhood and I will somehow have a greater understanding and it will make me over into the best mom I can be. I will tell you what more kids will get me...a long vacation in the loony bin!
I am restless and empty, not a good combination (my new haircut is proof of that). So, I will plaster on a smile and ask you how you are doing because it is easier. Because I am good at avoidance. Because I am afraid of the answers. Yup, plainly said, I am a chicken and it is easier to look at the glass as half empty and not half full.
If you ever need a chat, call me friend. I am always around and will always listen! Erryn
ReplyDeleteShannon, when I read this, I am able to completely relate to your article all BUT having 3 kids. I have always wanted Gods will for my life too. It has been a real strong urge for me since I was younger and for many many years I fought it. I fought and sat pondering what his will was for my life... Call it insanity! I even got to the point of where I asked him but then never waited long enough to hear it. But finally after years and years of wondering I have finally sat down and asked him, waited and I got my answer. And you know what Shanon... It was completely different than what I even thought it would be. I even fought it after I got my answer. But then I decided to follow it and you know what it has been some of the most satisfying and awe moment times in my life.
ReplyDeleteHere is Albert Einsteins definition of insanity... doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It is clear by reading your article, you are aware of what you are putting yourself through.
Shannon, why are you putting an answer in for God. Could you imagine wanting the best all of your children? I'm sure you can because I bet you do all the time. (lets say you are God for a moment with your kids) You have a plan for each and every one of them. To mature in God, to be a good and moral person. To be a respecter of others... and then past that you want each and every one of them to have their own separate path, Their own dreams and desires, their own gifts and passions and you want to see them carry them out to their full capacity. You have given each one their own dreams and desires (because we are playing God for the moment) You see that in the future one will be used to bring hundreds into Gods kingdom, another will be used to cure cancer, and the other will be used to take care of unfortunate children in another country. You know if they follow what you want for them they will be blessed and satisfied. But lets say one of them doesnt ask, goes his own way, and thingks he is only best at washing dishes at a local diner. What is that? That is like us saying I'm not good enough. Shannon would you want that for your child? No of course not. That is the same as saying I'm only good enough to be a mother a house wife.
Honestly ask yourself, do you have a passion or a drive to be something more? Do you feel like something is clearly missing from your life? If so I bet you that God has something planned for your life bigger than what you are allowing yourself to think. You are the one saying you are only good enough to wash dishes... not saying mother hood is comparable to washing dishes... not at all... but what I am saying is that God obviously is putting an itch under your skin and is coaxing you to ask you what is his plan for you and you are still fighting it because you are afraid all he is going to say is, this is it, you are doing it. And instead of moving forward with Him, you are staying stagnant with yourself. Now it doesn't mean God plans for you to be a preacher, missionary or a doctor but he may have you teach at your local church or have you use a passion of yours (a passion and gift he gave you that you probably already possess or a new one he gives you, or one he brings out of you that you didn't realize you had) for his plan for your life.
Just think of all the amazing possibilities there are out there awaiting you that you alone are shutting the door to...
One thing is for sure, You'll never know until you ask your Father, God.
And once you ask, the answer is not always clean cut and clear. Sometimes it takes a long while to get your answer. It may come in many different ways and you could still feel lost for a little while but the thing is if you read the bible and know many of the stories in there, you realize there is one common point, it is to trust in, rely on, adhere to and put all your faith in God that he will take care of you show you the way and lead you to his kingdom. Remember He is our Provider, not us, He is our Father, we are not completely on our own, He is our Healer, Our Comforter, He is our Sheppard. We are the sheep and are truly lost without Him. When we stray with out Him, we allow the wolf to come in the night. To coax us the wrong way, to think things that are not of our Father. But with our Sheppard present, when we adhere ourselves to our Sheppard, we are protected from the wolf. We are then given knowledge and wisdom over time to discern who our Sheppard is by His voice and his ways. God is good Shannon. Remember he is our Father. Think of how much you have adored your own father and then think of God himself being the perfect father and him wanting nothing but the best for you. I hope you allow God to direct your life. It will only get more fulfilling... will it get easier... probably not, but it will be more fulfilling and gratifying for sure.
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