Isolation is a word I know all too well. I am an isolation pro. Hiding in my house, behind closed doors, behind my anxiety and depression, behind the "schedule" that I keep our kids on, behind kids being sick, behind my voice-mail, behind having to give explanations. I just box myself in and let my 4 walls be my fortress. The irony is that those 4 walls choke my spirit and drown me out, encouraging my anxiety and allowing my depression to rule. I ignore my friends, my small group, all those who try to reach out to me. I say "no" to play dates and parties, phone calls and emails. I don't have an answer when my husband asks me what is wrong, other than "I don't know". I wrap myself up in a wet blanket in-order to try and keep the "crawling out of my own skin" feeling from taking over. I see my therapist more often and use that as an excuse for an "outing". I surf facebook, instagram, blogs and the internet as my connection to the world outside, over and over again. I wear a "doesn't play nice with others" sign around my neck and the word "Bitch" tattooed on my forehead. It is a good way to keep people away. It is just easier not to have to participate in what feel like 8th grade type relationships, pretending that everything is perfect....my life is you know, PERFECT. My house, my kids, my yard, my marriage, my bank account, my body, they are all PERFECT. I am PERFECT! Ha!
A friend called me out recently. She told me that hiding, isolation is like death for the soul. It is the devil's way of taking us away from God's plan, community, people who care about us deeply and who love us no matter what. She said that we can't just hide behind excuses, even if they are legitimate. I totally get that. I tell my friends that we are meant to live in community with others, not isolating ourselves. I don't have to take my own advise though. I can talk the talk-telling others what to do but have a hard time walking the walk, taking my own advise. I don't like to take the risk and that is a problem. Oh I'll take the risk of making a new recipe or buying a new type of lettuce but when it comes to real risks, having conversations, stepping out of my box, I am a chicken. Previous rejections burned so deeply into my bones that, how can I believe that things are different now? So instead of trying, taking a little step forward, trying something new, I let myself die just a little bit and stay bitter, not knowing how to put down my baggage and move forward. So what happens to all the baggage that we carry around from place to place with us? How do we put it down and leave it for good? Why does it seem like it takes the worst black-hole situations to make us let go? Is this what God means by pruning-that horrible pain that makes you feel as though there is nothing you can do (except to lean on Him)? Because if it is I might need a few beers, no, kegs, to get through it.
In all seriousness though, how do you get through pruning season after pruning season?
