Rain rain go away...come again another day...

  The last few weeks have past in multiple whirlwinds.  Each week seems to pack more into it then the week before.  I am left feeling like an empty shell.  My insides are empty and my outsides are starting to crack.  The funny thing is, I keep looking forward to the weekends, which seem busier than I ever remember them, and when Sunday night rolls around I am back wishing for the next weekend, anticipating a slowdown, which never materializes.  I am weary and bone-tired but somehow I can't seem to sleep or find the rest I need.

  Spring is supposed to bring renewal, refreshment but this year I don't feel the "rebirth".  Oh, I can see it in the rain, the boy's birthdays, the daffodils and the fatty robins that have taken up worm hunting in the backyard, but I am lost.  The rain continues, day after day.  The birthday's brought us the snotty 6 year old and the 2 year old who is putting the terrible into that old saying "the terrible two's".  The daffodils are weighed down by the rain, bent over so that their beauty is hard to see and the robins well, their chirping isn't so awesome around 5:30am.  I feel like I am moving through each day with the energy of a snail, wishing for someone else, my fairy godmother, to do all of my chores and errands.  To make an incredible dinner, something that makes me want to savor every bite.  To do all my laundry, wash, dry, fold and put it away.  To dust, vacuum and clean the toilets.

  I've felt lost for a long time.  Trying to figure out my purpose, my gifts, God's dreams for my life.  If feel like a compass missing the arrows, the part that is actually important and vital to making it do it's job, showing me the way.  And as I feel lost, I am afraid of actually knowing what my purpose is, what my gifts are and what God's dreams for my life are.  I  haven't asked God what his will, his dreams, for my life are.  Maybe I should do that, but I am scared, afraid of the answer.  Obviously one glaring purpose would be mom, mother, but I still fight against it.  I am good at fighting against it.  I am phenomenal at picking a fight with it, at lashing out at it.  Motherhood is the bane of my existence.  No one told me how hard, how trying, how frustrating it would be.  How on most days I will just want to throw in the towel.  Some months I embrace it, loving it and pouring my heart and soul into be a "great" mom but most of the time I don't.  Pretty stupid for someone who has 3 kids.  The funny thing is when I am lost in this motherhood journey, when I strongly dislike being a mom, I want to have more kids.  How rational is that?  Like if I have more it will somehow get easier or the next child will reveal to me the wonders of motherhood and I will somehow have a greater understanding and it will make me over into the best mom I can be.  I will tell you what more kids will get me...a long vacation in the loony bin!

I am restless and empty, not a good combination (my new haircut is proof of that).  So, I will plaster on a smile and ask you how you are doing because it is easier.  Because I am good at avoidance.  Because I am afraid of the answers.  Yup, plainly said, I am a chicken and it is easier to look at the glass as half empty and not half full.

What was I thinking?????

  So spring always brings about an itchiness in me to do something daring, different, out of the box.  I don't always do something crazy but this year I decided I would just go for it!  And now I have what must be those "one-night" stand what was I thinking after thoughts.  I have been drooling and dying to try Halle Berry's pixie/uber-short haircut and yesterday I went for it.  That's right...I cut of all of my hair!  Now I am super nervous to go anywhere that people will know me...i.e. church this morning.  I mean when I picked my kids up from Oxford yesterday after their classes I saw my bestest and she about pooped her pants when she saw me.  I know that short hair isn't her thing, she has the most beautiful long red hair but I shocked her more than I thought I would.  My husband likes it.  He learned a long time ago that I will do whatever I want with my hair whether or not he grants his approval.  After all it is just hair and it will grow.  I know though that my husband would like me anyway my hair is cut and that even includes if I would decide to shave it off.  Thank goodness for that!

  Now I will be going into my 30th birthday with short hair and I am not sure how I am feeling about that.  I went into my 18th birthday and college with short hair.  Big changes in my life apparently call for big changes to my hair.  I try to be secure about who I am and the way I look, but really deep down I am not secure, in fact I am more insecure than I would ever let on.  Now that I have lost the locks I have nothing to hide behind.  The people who have known me the longest here in Illinois have never seen me with short hair and I am so nervous to show them.  But if they don't like it well Reese keeps telling me over and over again how much she loves my haircut and loves me.  Thank the Lord for her!

  In parting, when you see me even if you don't like it please pretend you do!